WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
April 23, 2001
Who's shooting down missionaries in Peru?
Who's flooding the Mississippi? Who's refusing to implement the Kyoto Protocol
limiting carbon dioxide emissions? Who's discriminating against transsexuals?
Who wants to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge? Who's
behind the drug war? Who's raising gas prices? Who's letting ABBA open
on Broadway? He's got a tail. One guess.
- Helen -
10. Australian census takers are forbidding
citizens from listing their religion as "Jedi." May the flames of hellfire
be with them.
9. Che Guevara (Scary Spice) couldn't be happier
that Mick Jagger and Robert Redford are working on competing
bio-pics of the Argentinian guerrilla.
8. "Jesus is my best friend. Okay? He is my
best friend," declared Oprah Winfrey at the anniversary of her hit
magazine O. Oh yeah? I've seen a burn-proof document that says otherwise.
7. 100 hostages held by pro-Chechen terrorists
are released from a luxury hotel in Istanbul on the same day that Billy
Hayes gets a $100 royalty check for Satan's renewable option on the
sequel to Midnight Express. Coincidence? I don't think so.
6. The Lord of Darkness does not take kindly
to being made fun of. The book Is Our Children Learning? is full
of ridiculous quotes from the whole Bush administration. Barbra Streisand
better take down that plug for it on her website if she doesn't want acid
rain on her parade.
5. The remote control that Beelzebub used
while watching the Devils beat the Hurricanes in the recent hockey quarterfinals
had nothing to do with his television set. Patrik Elias and
Sergei
Brylin are going to find out it's hot under the ice.
4. You probably already guessed this but in
order to secure financing for his latest picture, Paul Hogan had
to sign up for Crocodile Dundee in Hell.
3. Word is that Nicole Kidman's new
film The Darkness is unintentionally funny due to ridiculous parallels
between the plot of the film and her real life. All part of her satanic
prenup which, strangely enough, was formatted as a screenplay.
2. Israel is blaming militant Palestinians
for two recent bomb attacks. I say blame it on the low grosses of Adam
Sandler's Little Mickey.
And the number one person going to hell this
week?
1. The Lord of Darkness was shitting lava
when he found out that a Pentagon advisory panel actually recommended
cancelling production of the U.S. Army's new mobile artillery system. Someone's
going to pay.
Personal to Madonna: I know one of your ex-lovers
who wouldn't take you back.
Personal to Chester: That would make your
daughter actually your niece, making your son your cousin.
Helen's
Autobiography
