WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
May 7, 2001
The Chairman of the underground is concerned
over the plans of the Coachella Valley to form its own power company, declare
eminent domain over the windmills, remove them from the California state
grid, and use their power for the valley only. On one hand, more coal will
be burned, which is good for him but bad for us. On the other hand, an
entire state is denied used of a viable form of alternative energy, which
is bad for us but good for him.
- Helen -
10. Whoever came up with the marquee that
currently reads Spy Kids, Blow, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles.
9. The City Council of Santa Monica
is trying to make it a crime to sleep in your car. No way. It's Beelzebub's
job to keep the homeless miserable.
8. According to Joan Collins, “I’d
love a turn with another lady. It’s a role I’ve always dreamed of, but
no one’s ever offered it to me yet.” No one? Consider this an offer.
7. Evenflo recalls 3.4 million car
seats in the same week that Joe Dirt does $3.4 million at the box
office. Coincidence? I don't think so.
6. Three cheers for the vegetarian lawyer,
soon to be flame food, who is suing McDonalds for secretly lacing its french
fries with beef fat.
5. Who made sure that the liver was the only
part of supermodel Niki Taylor that was damaged in a car accident?
The Lord of All Insurance Policies, that's who.
4. William Shatner will be playing
himself in new film called Showtime. Satan wanted the role.
3. Would anybody have known that gay porn
wrestler Kyle Bradford claims to be the reason for the Cruise/Kidman divorce
if Tom Cruise weren't suing him for $100 million? Nope. Smart move,
Tommy baby.
2. Every time ten workers are killed in a
gas explosion in a Ukranian coal mine, Liv Tyler's stock goes up
at the Hollywood Stock Exchange.
And the number one person going to hell this
week?
1. It's payback time for Cliff Hillegass,
the inventor of Cliff Notes, who died last Saturday at 83. One year on
a spit for everybody who ever claimed to have read a book when they only
read the Cliff Notes.
Personal to Joan Collins: I'll be wearing
a silk kimono.
Personal to Andre: Sure, you can watch.
Helen's
Autobiography
