WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
May 14, 2001
How do you get rid of gun violence? You
declare war against it if you're Satan's favorite president. Thinking that
combat is the best way to combat violence is Satan's way of saying that
he loves you. Talk about putting out fires with gasoline. But hey, who
was talking about putting out fires? Not me, baby, not me. Burn that oil.
- Helen -
10. What's this I hear about Lisa Kudrow
swiping the lead as an evil troupe leader in Intense Girl Scouts?
Satan wanted the role.
9. Jesus Christ, I hear you shriek, is there
really going to be another Halloween movie? Not if Jesus Christ
has anything to say about it.
8. What on earth would convince you to change
your nickname from Puff Daddy to P. Diddy? Nothing on this earth,
baby, nothing on this earth.
7. Somebody's not happy at all that Tony
and Ridley Scott are producing Six Bullets from Now, the supposed
true story of the largest hotel heist in history. But I'm not saying who.
6. Paul Verhoeven will give Beelzebub
a speaking part in his new production of Official Assassins, at least if
he knows what's good for him.
5. The film Driven does $3 million
at the box office on the same weekend that the FBI turns over 3 thousand
unseen pages of witness interview notes in the Timothy McVeigh case. Coincidence?
I don't think so.
4. Go ahead, try saying Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
a couple of times out loud, then tell me there are going to be democratic
elections in the Philippines that are more trustworthy than ours.
3. Every time a fire across the street from
a firehouse leaves 80 people homeless in New Jersey, James Gandolfini's
stock goes up at the Hollywood Stock Exchange.
2. Will geologists please keep their
cotton picking hands off that giant 2.5 billion-year-old sea floor slab
they found near the Great Wall of China? Someone will thank you. Someone
very generous.
And the number one person going to hell this
week?
1. Why did Joan Rivers go on Hollywood
Squares and apologize for telling fat jokes about Liz Taylor? How else
was the Pope supposed to get into Malta?
Personal to British Telecom: They're not just
AT&T. They're the T&T.
Personal to Andre: I want those tapes back.
Helen's
Autobiography
