WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
May 21, 2001
The U.S. will lose its seat on the U.N.
human-rights commission unless someone we know nominates an ambassador
to the U.N., so send those telegrams, but not to the White House. Point
Given won the Preakness this week and the Lord of Losers cleaned up, giving
Wall street a very good week, getting U.S. airlines to cut first-class
fares, and making Israeli warplanes strike Palestinian areas for the first
time since the 1967 Middle East War. The more F-16s the merrier says you
know who.
- Helen
10. The current governor of Massachusetts
is NOT the first Governor to have twins! In a prior life, Jesse Ventura
was the wolf that suckled Romulus and Remus.
9. After it was disclosed that beef was used
as a flavoring in McDonald's French fries, Hindus demanded that McDonalds
be evicted from India by smearing statues of Ronald Reagan with
cow dung.
8. Why is the Toyota Motor Company
using the song "Crossroads" in their ads? All part of that deal between
bluesman Robert Johnson and Satan. (thanks Mac)
7. Researchers are recommending federal regulation
of fertility clinics that alter human genes. Yep, that's something
we want the government to be in charge of. Go Satan!
6. They say the runaway freight train that
tore through 66.6 miles of northwestern Ohio had no one aboard. Think again.
5. If those eight Swiss potholers hadn't been
found alive in that flooded French cave, "Angel Eyes" would have
topped $10 million last weekend.
4. Look for Lucifer as an allied prisoner
in the new big screen version of "Hogan's Heroes."
3. A certain multi-pronged demon is unhappy
that Utah found fundamentalist Mormon Tom Breen guilty of polygamy.
Look for repercussions.
2. Will Jackie Jr. get whacked when "The Sopranos"
returns? Will Paulie Walnuts sleep with the fishes? Will Carmella leave
Tony? All depends upon whether former U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno
runs for governor of Florida.
And the number one person going to hell this
week?
1. Who's that monkey man that vigilantes are
chasing through the streets of New Delhi? Robert Blake, in a pre-trial
deal worked out with Beelzebub's new law firm.
Personal to Jesus (pronounced Hay-soos): Congrats
on the new job. CAA is just the place for you.
Personal to Beethoven: How Grosse.
Helen's
Autobiography
