Who's Going to Hell this Week?


You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

 
WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? 

June 4, 2001

Satan's pleasure at seeing a musical about Adolf Hitler win 12 Tony awards was offset by televangelist Robert H. Schuller using telemarketing to get people to his Crystal Cathedral, calling 400,000 homes a week with a personal pre-recorded invitations. Satan don't need no telemarketing scheme to increase his fold, just another general election.
- Helen - 

10. The massacre of Nepal's royal family, and the release of Rob Schneider's "The Animal," have both officially been declared "an accident." 

9. How many test flights does it take to make a "hypersonic" aircraft work? If NASA had named their rocket booster Beelzebub instead of Pegasus, only one.

8. Vagitarian Anne Heche (Caligula in a past life) is marrying cameraman Coley Laffoon (Nero's mother, Agrippina II in a past life). 

7. Will Microsoft include AOL software in their new operating system? Not if CAA agent Jesus (pronounced hay-soos) has anything to say about it.

6. U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld ordered the Pentagon to cut off all contact with the Chinese armed forces, giving hard-liners in Beijing perfect ammunition for an arms-buildup. Way to go, Donald! Satan salutes you.

5. Why is Rick Schroder leaving "NYPD Blue?" Those trident burns on his cute little bottom can't possibly heal by next season.

4. Did Alejandro Toledo win the presidential race in Peru despite or because of videotape of him using cocaine in a 1998 orgy with five prostitutes? I smell a trend.

3. "A Knight's Tale" brings in four million at the box office in the same week that four million Ford Explorers are recalled. Coincidence? I don't think so. 

2. In Idaho, the five McGuckin children turn themselves in to authorities after holding themselves hostage for a week. Why did they let themselves go? I smell an MOW.

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. Yasser Arafat's my baby, no sir, I don't mean maybe, Yasser Arafat's my baby now. 

Personal to AIDS: Happy birthday to you
Personal to Barbara and Jenna Bush: Try pot.

Helen's Autobiography

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