WHO’S GOING TO HELL
THIS WEEK?
June 18, 2001
You would think that the natural instinct
towards self-preservation would assure that President Bush would be against
executions of the retarded. There must be something in the fine print of
his deal with Satan that I missed.
- Helen -
10. Drug addled Robert Downey Jr. paid
Roger
Clinton $5,000 for a pardon. Six months too late, buddy boy.
9. Every time someone dies from an aneurysm
on a ride at Magic Mountain, David Spade scores with another blonde.
8. Something has gone wrong with Gov. Gray
Davis' plan to switch California permanently to daylight savings time,
cutting electricity usage by 3.4 percent, and saving hundreds of millions
of dollars. He hasn't thought of it yet.
7. Why didn't a Federal Judge release
Dale Earnhardt's autopsy photos? "The Mummy Returns" didn't break $200
million.
6. The next time a bird tries to mate with
your cell phone, remember that flocks of birds in Australia are
mimicking the sounds of cell phones, replacing their standard mating calls.
5. Will Shannen Doherty move from "Charmed"
to "Buffy the Vampire Slayer?" Not if Satan has anything to say about it.
He wants the part himself.
4. "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider" does $48.2 miilion
at the box office in the same week that manslaughter charges are dropped
against the FBI sharpshooter who killed Randy Weaver's wife at Ruby Ridge.
Coincidence? I don't think so.
3. Manufacturers in Japan are offering
canned Godzilla meat.
2. What gives the "smoky" flavor to Wendy's
new Smoky Bacon Classic Burger? Sulfor.
And the number one person going to hell this
week?
1. People for the Ethical Treatment of
Animals are just proud as punch that Timothy McVeigh didn't eat meat
for his last meal.
Personal to Madonna: The black eye looks good.
Keep it.
Personal to Rose McGowen: What rhymes with
witch?
SPECIAL THIS WEEK!
The First Post-Execution Interview
with Timothy McVeigh
HELEN: So what's it
like to be dead?
MCVEIGH: It's a gas,
man. I'm digging the hell out of it. Sure beats a prison cell.
HELEN: What's the biggest
surprise?
MCVEIGH: You get laid
all the time. Right now I'm fucking Marilyn Monroe.
HELEN: What about all
those people you killed?
MCVEIGH: Yeah, they're
here too. I'm the last guy on earth they wanted to see. They're totally
pissed off I was executed.
HELEN: Any advice for
other inmates on death row?
MCVEIGH: Forget those
appeals and go for it. I'm having a blast.
Helen's
Autobiography
