WHO’S GOING TO HELL
THIS WEEK?
June 25, 2001
Attorney General John Ashcroft is pursuing
a settlement in the federal government's lawsuit against the tobacco industry,
making his lord and master proud. Nobody likes smoke more than you know
who.
- Helen -
10. New York has banned using a handheld
cell phone while driving, but equally dangerous activities like eating,
changing the radio, or receiving oral sex from an intern while driving
are perfectly fine.
9. Satan's plans to clone Napoleon were brought
to a grinding halt as France banned all human cloning.
8. "Moulin Rouge" makes $3.8 million at the
box office in the same week that 38 people are killed in an earthquake
in Peru. Coincidence? I don't think so.
7. In a rare reversal, His Satanic Majesty
has released Angelina Jolie from her contract due to thousands of women
following her influence and getting crotch tattoos.
6. Something's gone wrong with Edison's
plans to switch to the new "Wave rider" technology developed by Sea Power
and Associates that can create an average 65 megawatts of power per mile
of coastline. They haven't thought of it.
5. Acme Car Rental is using the Global
Positioning Satellite System to automatically fine all renters $150 for
going over the speed limit, whether they're stopped by the police or not.
4. Cambodian villagers are claiming that the
ghost of Pol Pot is visiting them and curing the sick. Fat chance,
guys. He's unavailable.
3. First the Food and Drug Administration
approves Viagra, then The Environmental Protection Agency moves
to ban candles with lead in their wicks. Make up your mind, guys.
2. In his dissent from the campaign spending
limits decision, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas complained
that it extended safeguards to "exhibiting drive-in movies with nudity."
And the number one people going to hell this
week?
1. Apple Computers has demanded that
their logo be removed from the Church
of Satan website, despite the fact that the site was created with Apple
computers. They'll be "thinking different" in the fiery pits of eternal
damnation, that's for sure.
Personal to Carroll O'Conner: Meet John Lee
Hooker
Personal to John Lee Hooker: Meet Carroll
O'Conner
Helen's
Autobiography
