WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? 

July 2, 2001

The vice-president needs a heart, the president needs a brain, the secretary of state needs courage, and I just want to go back to Kansas. 
- Helen - 

10. The Lord of Darkness gave Benjamin Bratt a choice: Listen to "AM Gold - 20 Mellow Hits from the 70s" over and over and over again, or break up with Julia Roberts. Good choice, Ben.

9. Satan's film critic Lou Gubrious claims the XXX-rated version of "Pearl Harbor" on sale in Malaysia is much more realistic than the version shown here.

8. Will SAG and AFTRA go on strike? Depends upon what Beelzebub thinks of the new fall TV schedules. Doesn't look good.

7. Liverpool Airport was renamed after John Lennon, narrowly beating out Sonny Bono.

6. The chemical that fireflies use to light up turns out to be the same one that triggers erections in humans. So how come they don't glow?

5. According to former California Gov. Jerry Brown, Fidel Castro is grooming Elian Gonzalez to be his successor. Won't happen. Satan wants the job.

4. Hot on the heels of "The Producers," Sylvester Stallone is bringing "Rocky" to Broadway. Hello Rocky, well hello Rocky, it's so nice to burn in hell where you belong.

3. Saudi Arabia refuses to extradite 13 terrorists to America in the same week that "Dr. Doolittle" makes $13 million at the box office. Coincidence? I don't think so.

2. Why did Xena die such a horrible death in the final episode of the show last week? How else could they extradite Slobodan Milosevic to The Hague?

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. According to the New Yorker, O.J. Simpson is still serving his sentence in Florida. What's the punishment for killing two people? Spending the rest of your life trying to hit a ball into a hole with a stick.

Personal to Bill Gates: You owe me
Personal to Judge Thomas Jackson: So sue me
 
 

Helen's Autobiography