WHO’S GOING TO HELL
THIS WEEK?
July 23, 2001
Everyone who thinks that Bush and Putin
are going to reduce their country's arsenals just because they were dressed
identically at the summit, raise your hand. The whole world is changed
now that everyone has seen our defense system work. Given a good three
day notice, we'll whup any incoming missile's ass.
- Helen -
10. The House of Representatives passed a
bill making it illegal to burn replicas of the American flag, but it's
still legal to burn replicas of the constitution, the White House,
or the Washington Monument.
9. Hide your payrolls, Tom Cruise (Sacco)
and Penelope Cruz (Vanzetti) were seen having lunch together at
Spago.
8. In a triumph for the "Conjugal Visits for
War Criminals" movement, Slobodan Milosevic's wife was allowed to
visit him in prison.
7. "Dr. Doolittle 2" made $4.3 million In
the same week that the White House requested $430,000 from Congress
for pool repair. Coincidence? I don't think so.
6. England's offer to the Palestinians
giving them Northern Ireland as a homeland has gone unanswered.
5. China, in preparation for the upcoming
Olympics,
has shut down 2,000 Internet cafes across the country.
4. Why are rivers of lava crawling down Mount
Etna towards a village? How else was Congress going to pass the
"Faith-based" social service initiative?
3. David Letterman wouldn't let my
favorite singer Ani DiFranco perform on his show because he didn't like
the politics in a song she was going to sing.
2. Why did Iraq fire missiles into Kuwaiti
airspace. So Robert Downey Jr. would get rehab instead of prison, of
course.
And the number one people going to hell this
week?
1. The FBI "lost" hundreds of laptop
computers and firearms, including sub-machine guns. Yeah, right.
COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL
Ode to The Group
of 8: (to the tune of Baby Face)
Group of 8
You are the cutest little Group of 8
There are no others who can rule the state
Group of 8
Your meeting in Geneva
Made me a true believa
Group of 8
I'm up in heaven when you all pontificate
When pushing came to shove
I simply fell in love
with the groovy Group of 8
Helen,
Hate to spoil your wonderful
poem...but the G-8 summit took place in Genoa, NOT Geneva! There
is a distance of a few miles between the two! ;)
- Paul -
Paul,
Never let the facts get in
the way of a joke.
- Helen -
|
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
32 million Americans who won't be getting
refund checks plus Dick Cheney's $186,000 electric bill divided by 1,000
homes destroyed in flooding in India plus 13,600 pounds of sliced beef
and ham products recalled by Sara Lee minus 1,600 cabdrivers in Washington
DC questioned about Chandra Levy times $80.9 million made by Jurassic Park
III divided by 8 days of joint flight of the Space Shuttle Atlantis minus
RU-486 plus 112 Japanese injured at a fireworks display equals the amount
of days Katherine Hepburn has to live times the amount of days George Harrison
has to live plus the $50 million the Pitts are suing their jeweler for
minus the odds of the US ratifying the Kyoto Protocols times the amount
of teenagers killed in Limp Bizkit's mosh pit plus the extra $6.5 billion
given to the Pentagon this week by Congress.
Helen's
Autobiography
