WHO’S GOING TO HELL
THIS WEEK?
August 6, 2001
While the socially
conscious are burning their tax rebates to reduce the money supply and
help the economy, Satan's spending his on a new laptop, and I don't mean
computer. Guess who's going in for penile reduction surgery? You didn't
hear it from me.
- Helen -
10. Why is tropical
storm Barry wreaking havoc in the Florida panhandle. Marion Barry hasn't
done crack in a month. Way to go Barry! Sorry Florida.
9. John Frankenheimer
is shooting a prequel to "The Exorcist" while George Romero is remaking
"The Dawn of the Dead." Satan loves a good laugh.
8. Guess which world
leader was stupid enough to actually open the Sircam e-mail virus when
it asked him for advice, sending his secret itinerary out to everyone in
his address book? Guess again. Yep, it's Leonid Kuchma, the duly
elected president of the Ukraine.
7. Why are federal safety
officials expanding their probe into potential defects in the Jeep
Grand Cherokee? Satan once probed a Grand Cherokee and found it less than
satisfying.
6. Dickheads at Simon
and Schuster turned down a book proposal by Sex and the City's Kim
Cattrall just because it was "all about the clitoris."
5. Why did the house
ban human cloning? Maybe NOW Brad Pitt will get Jennifer Aniston
pregnant.
4. North Carolina became
the fifth state to prohibit execution of the retarded on the same day that
generic Prozac was released. Coincidence? I don't think so.
3. Why did virgin Records
give Whitney Huston $100 million dollars, the largest contract in recording
history? How else was Kim Jong Il going to get into Russia?
2. Will any more football
players die of heatstroke? Not if Gram Parsons gets a memorial at Cap
Rock in Joshua Tree.
And the number one person
going to hell this week?
1. Chris Tucker.
I need a reason?
Personal to Democrats:
The rights have no patience.
Personal to Republicans:
The patients have no rights.
Arithmetic from Hell
13 Philippine
hostages plus the amount of Backstreet Boys in rehab minus the amount of
stars of "Pearl Harbor" in rehab times the amount of days the Queen mother
has to live plus the amount of profits from Michael Jackson's tour that's
going to charity divided by $66.8 million made by "Rush Hour 2" in one
week equals the 25 years it took for Nick Buonoconti to get into the Pro
Football Hall of Fame times 4 civilians injured by a grenade in Kosovo
divided by every compassionate conservative in the white house plus 30
million U.S. citizens born in foreign countries.
Overheard in Hell's
Co-ed Bathroom
Ho ho ho
You and me
Code Red worm
don't I love thee
Ho ho ho
You and me
Fucking up security
