WHO’S GOING TO HELL
THIS WEEK?
August 27, 2001
While taxpayers are
spending their $600 advance on next year's tax bill, the White House and
Congress are battling over the right way to turn our budget surplus into
a deficit. The winner: a missile defense system that works against every
possible incoming missile except those "wobbly" ones from rogue nations.
- Helen -
10. The Phantom Editor,
known for his re-edit of "The Phantom Menace," is working on a new version
of "Yentl" with the annoying parts removed. Current running time: 20 minutes.
9. Why did Heath
Ledger break up with Heather Graham? How else could Yasser Arafat
get into Beijing?
8. According to new
study, spanking children doesn't do any lasting harm, but spanking adults
can lead to oral sex.
7. Satan's very upset
they updated Othello without even offering him a walk-on. Look for "O"
to do anything but burn at the box office.
6. 26 children in
Utah were sentenced to five years of life without a father as Thomas
A. Green was sent to jail for polygamy.
5. Why is bad boy A.J.
McLean back with "The Backstreet Boys?" So Jesse Helms wouldn't seek
a sixth term. Way to go, A.J.!
4. Will those 8 Red
Cross workers jailed in Kabul for spreading the gospel of Jesus ever
see light of day? Only if Satan gets a part in the re-make of "The Dirty
Dozen."
3. Why were 3 million
people displaced by floods in India? Because Estella Warren can't act.
2. Is Rachel on "Friends"
really pregnant and will the baby have cloven feet? Not if Jesus Christ
has anything to say about it.
And the number one team
going to hell this week?
1. Krispy Kreme
reported giant profits on the same day Bill Clinton took Chelsea to see
Siegfried
and Roy. Connect the dots.
Personal to Nikolay
Soltys: Congratulations on making the FBI's top ten.
Personal to Buddy Holly,
Otis Redding, Jim Croce, Stevie Ray Vaughan, and John Denver: Say hi to
Aaliyah for me.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
The difference
between a relationship and an affair minus the difference between Zionism
and racism times 6 dead Ukranians plus 10,000 current Elvis impersonators
divided by 45 Eminem fans crushed at a concert minus 17,000 drunk Russians
who drown annually equals the 7 months it took George W. Bush to nominate
a chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff plus $25,000 worth of Champaign
that Mariah Carey filled a bathtub with before entering rehab minus 10,580
people treated in emergency rooms for injuries at amusement parks divided
by the life expectancy of Ted Kennedy's liver.
INTERNET SITE FROM
HELL
20
Rules of Celebrity Dating
REJECTED FILM TITLES
FROM HELL
"Captain Corelli's
Pie"
WASTES OF MONEY FROM
HELL
Want to build
character? For $410, a Dutch company will take all your money and send
you out on the streets of Paris to beg for food.
For $1,500, celebrities
can copyright their DNA as a means to prevent fans from eventually cloning
them.
Stephanie and
Larry Cohen are spending $12,000 to give their dog a kidney transplant.
"Summer Catch"
made $7.5 million.
QUIZ FROM HELL
If the U.S were
to completely cancel its Missile Defense System, how long would it take
till missiles started raining down on America from foreign countries?
a) Tomorrow
b) Never
COUNTRY
SONG FROM HELL
BALLAD OF CHANDRA
LEVY
I'm in love with
Chandra Levy but our sex life is a mess
I haven't got a
notion of her number or address
There isn't anybody
who has got the slightest clue
Of what a lonely
senator should do
What a world of horrors
I cannot stand my life
Ever since the day I had to go back to my wife
The atmosphere is thicker
You could cut it with a knife
Ever since the day I had to go back to my wife
I'm doing lots of
interviews on national TV
Explaining why I
can't explain what Chandra means to me
Her parents are
beginning to break down and go boo-hoo
Just like a lonely
senator should do
What a world of horrors
Full of orgasms and strife
Ever since the day I had to go back to my wife
The misery is endless
I cannot stand my life
Ever since the day I had to go back to my wife
Ever since the day I had to go back to my wife
PUBLICITY PHOTOS FROM
HELL
