WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? 

September 3, 2001

It's Bush's favorite show, but even the power of the presidency was useless in preventing "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" from going off the air this week. Look for retribution in the education budget.
- Helen -

10. Members of MoronsAmalgamated are suing Adam Sandler, claiming his films throw them into a good light. People with short term memory loss were going to protest the video release of "Memento" but they forgot.

9. Dying in a plane crash turns out to have been a wise career move for Aaliyah, who's film "Queen of the Damned" might hit the big screen instead of going directly to home video as originally planned. Next for Aaliyah, rebirth as a Schnauzer.

8. Children's advocacy groups in Australia are complaining about a line of action figures based upon "Reservoir Dogs" featuring one doll with a razor and another with a detachable ear. Wait till they see the "Boogie Nights" action figures.

7. Old bald Salmon Rushdie has a gorgeous new young girlfriend Padma Sakshmi. Wanting to follow in his footsteps, Jason Alexander has declared a fatwa against himself.

6. Why has the U.S. eased its opposition to China's nuclear missile program? How else could "Jeepers Creepers" knock "American Pie 2" out of the top spot in domestic box office?

5. India is opening its first cybercrime police station. There goes gandhirecipes.com and mahatmacoat.com.

4. Guess whose portrait is on the new euro banknotes? That's right, Liberace.

3. Why did two former Veterans Affairs employees in Georgia embezzle $6 million from the VA? So Linda Gray, Anne Bancroft's original body double in "The Graduate," could finally play the part in the London stage production. Way to go, Georgia!

2. Troy Donahue is dead. Christiaan Barnard is dead. North and South Korea are resuming official talks. Connect the dots.

And the number one people going to hell this week?

1.  Fans of "The Matrix" will get to see Keanu Reeves battle 100 clones in "The Matrix II."

Personal to Anne Heche: That's not crazy. I'll show you crazy. 
Personal to Barbara Walters: Got your query. Not in a million years.

ARITHMETIC FROM HELL

43,000 acres burned in Montana divided by a 10-year-old boy dead of a shark attack plus 5 million American kids both out of school and out of work minus 460 Afghanis on a Norwegian ship seeking asylum in Australia divided by the life expectancy of John McCain's prostate equals the U.S. economic growth over the last quarter times 500,000 pounds of beef recalled from 36 states divided by 2 birds with West Nile virus found in Wisconsin minus 79 million cubic yards of rotting garbage in a city dump that for one brief shining moment was almost a national historic landmark.

INTERNET SITE FROM HELL

http://www.improbable.com/

REJECTED FILM TITLES FROM HELL

"The Silent Bob of the Lambs"
"Jappers Crappers"

TRIPLE BILL FROM HELL

"John Carpenter's Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back", "Kevin Smith's The Curse of the Jade Scorpion," and "Woody Allen's Ghosts of Mars"

WASTES OF MONEY FROM HELL

Michael Jackson's new album "Invincible" cost $30 million to produce. The video for one song, "You Rock my World," starring Marlon Brando, Benicio Del Toro, and Chris Tucker, cost an additional $4 million.

Fay Weldon accepted money from a jewelry store just to mention them in her new novel.

In a related story, I'm accepting money from anybody who DOESN'T want to be in my new novel.

QUIZ FROM HELL

Who said "The right to be stupid and irresponsible is something I hold very dear." 

a) Bono
b) Bush
c) Beelzebub

Answer: a)

COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL

THE BALLAD OF PETER BART

I am just an editor of something called Variety
For which I'm rarely called upon to show a little piety
I got a month suspension for insensitive behavior
Now nobody in Hollywood will treat me like a savior

    He made remarks so racist that they proved his sad proclivity
    Now he's going to classes to increase his sensitivity
    He had a good position but he didn't want to give it, he
    was going to some classes to increase his sensitivity

My B.O. wasn't socko and my opening was soft
I needed lots of rage to keep my ego so aloft
I nix the pix and clicks the chicks that satisfy my readership
Until I feel like being rude and make another Peter slip

    I never will go golfing on a course that's rough and divotty
    because I'm going to classes to increase my sensitivity
    My underlying structure is all steel-like and rivotty
    because I'm going to classes that increase my sensitivity
    So no one will accuse me of aggression or passivity
    I'm really going to classes to increase my sensitivity
 

PROMO PHOTO FROM HELL