WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? 

October 15, 2001 I'd like to thank everybody who's stocks went to Helen A. Handbasket over the last month. I spent the funds wisely at Two Bunch Palms Resort and really appreciate the time off'. Now that all your money's been spent on my indulgences it's time to get back to work. Please, no more stocks. I've got a column to get out.
- Helen -

10. Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, and Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid have all put aside their petty marital squabbles and are talking reconciliation since 9/11. Damn you, Osama bin Laden! 

9. The heavy metal band Anthrax, for the first time in their rancid career, became the number one search engine term on the Internet this week. Good for them. Will they change their name to "Basket of Puppies?" Then maybe terrorists will release baskets of puppies across America. Hope so. I love torturing animals.

8. The L.A. Dept. of Children's Services continued its Jihad against Paula Poundstone, sentencing her to six months in an alcohol rehabilitation facility with Robert Downey Jr., Roseanne Barr, Ben Affleck, and members of 'N' Synch. John "Breakfast Club" Hughes has purchased the film rights to their therapy sessions.

7. Jennifer Lopez got married. Did you hear me? JENNIFER LOPEZ GOT MARRIED! Can you believe that the Star and the Enquirer didn't even put her wedding on the cover? Some girls will do anything to avoid publicity. Damn you, Osama bin Laden! 

6. Why did ABC cancel Joan Cusack's sitcom? So Uzbekistan would let the U.S. use their bases. Obviously. Do I have to spell everything out? How else could they do it? Geesh.

5. The Jacksons have recorded a rap song urging L.A. brothers to take to the streets in the fight against terrorism, sending a message to the president that while he's fighting overseas, they'll be watching his back on the mainland. How does Bush feel about Michael Jackson watching his back? "He's thrilled," said Condoleeza Rice.

4. Why did New York Mayor Giulliani turn down a $10 million check from a Saudi Prince? How else could Destiny's Child singer Beyoncé Knowles get the female lead in "Austin Powers III?" 

3. The Senate and the House both passed different anti-terrorism bills. Which one will go into effect?  I'd watch the grosses of all those Leelee Sobieski movies if I were you.

2. The Emmys have been postponed AGAIN. Damn you, Osama bin Laden!

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1.  Out: the Rodney King piñata. In: the Osama bin Laden piñata. 

Personal to Elton John: Enough already. 
Personal to Muhammad Ali: Enough already.

QUOTES FROM HELL

"Two hours straight of ‘Danke Schoen' and that turbaned SOB will come out with his hands up." 
- from a USAT report that Wayne Newton will be hosting a new USO road show for entertaining the troops -

"Military action to destroy terror will be like hitting a fully mature dandelion with a golf club."
- John Paul Lederach -

REJECTED PORNO FILM TITLES FROM HELL

"The Twin Towers of Love"

PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE FROM HELL

I pledge allegiance to the flags of the united demons of hellfire
And to the torment for which they stand
One pitchfork
Under buttocks
With native girls and native boys for all

WASTES OF MONEY FROM HELL

Do you know how much they charge just to lie in mud?

JOKE OF THE WEEK FROM HELL

Osama bin Laden was a avid believer in astrology and consulted a psychic each day. He asked, "On what day will I die?" 

The psychic replied, "You will die on an American holiday." 

Bin Laden asked, "How can you be so sure?" 

The psychic said, "Any day that you die will be an American holiday."

QUIZ FROM HELL

What fabulous rock star am I sleeping with? 

a) Mick Jagger
b) Randy Newman
c) Elvis Costello
d) Madonna

COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL

REHAB ROCKERS

I am just a Backstreet Boy with troubles of my own
When I'm with my screaming fans I feel so alone
I get high consuming anything that comes my way
That is why my publicist is putting me away

    Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
    No more hits of ecstasy or cases of Becks
    Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
    Getting high on life and residual checks

When I was in Aerosmith I smoked and drank all day
Oral sex from fans is how I passed the time away
Smoking marijuana drove me right out of my gourd
Now I'm in a hospital named after Betty Ford

    Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
    No more highs and lows for us
    No more feast or famine
    Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
    All we snort is nasal spray 
    And all we smoke is salmon

I'm a Stony Temple Pilot with the emphasis on stony
I'm a vegetarian who never eats bologny
I like driving round the town in my beat up jalopy
Then jamming something in my veins they're making from a poppy

    Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
    We get high on anything and multiply like rabbits
    Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
    Telling everybody how we gave up our bad habits

I am David Matthews and my band's named after me
When you see Dave Matthews I'm the one you're bound to see
If I weren't Dave Matthews I don't know who I would be
This is why I am so glad my band's named after me

    Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
    No more hits of ecstasy or cases of Becks
    Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
    Getting high on life and residual checks
    Getting high on life and residual checks

DATING SERVICE PHOTO FROM HELL