WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? 

November 05, 2001

An embarrassing week for George W. Bush. One terrorist's message to his dentist concerning his need for bridgework was misinterpreted as a threat to the Golden Gate, and Bush had to call off his attack on the Emmy Awards when he found out they weren't the Enemy Awards.
- Helen -

10. Why is Jane Fonda going to appear on Hollywood Squares? Why is Charlton Heston going to play Josef Mengele in a film? How else could CAA agent Jesus (pronounced hay-soos) Christ get Yasser Arafat and Shimon Peres to meet face-to-face?

9. In exchange for our agreement to stop bombing the Taliban during Ramadan, the Taliban offered not to commit any terrorist acts against the United States while Bush was on vacation.

8. Tom Cruise wants his kids raised as Scientologists. Nicole Kidman wants her kids raised as Catholics. Too bad they're both talking about the same kids. Cathology, coming soon to a place of worship near you. 

7. Someone's been trying to sell drugs in the addict recovery forum at Melanie Griffith's website. Hmm, I wonder who it could be? You naughty boy.

6. Patriotism replaced glitter at this year's Emmy Awards and Barbra Streisand sang "You'll Never Walk Alone." Damn you, Osama bin Laden!

5. John Travolta's new bomb-sniffing dog wouldn't let him see his new film "Domestic Disturbance."

4. Immediately after the United States dismissed Osama bin Laden's recent video statement to the world as propaganda, Osama bin Laden dismissed the White House's dismissal of his recent video statement to the world as propaganda - as propaganda.

3. Despite the evacuation of thousands in the Florida Keys because of Hurricane Michelle, Henry Kissinger can't have a decent bowel movement.

2. United States Surgeon General David Satcher is stepping down. The surprising nominee for his replacement? Prince Alwaleed bin Talal of Saudi Arabia. 

And the number person going to hell this week?

1. You know who you are.

Personal to anyone named Muhammad: I can dig it.

Personal to Butch: Just because you're a fireman doesn't mean you're God's gift to women.

QUIZ FROM HELL

Who said "I think my destiny is whatever my father wants it to be." 

a) John F. Kennedy
b) George W. Bush
c) Osama bin Laden
d) Luke Skywalker

Answer: (a)

QUOTES FROM HELL

"Destroy our elite and about half the time you're doing us a favor."
- P.J. O'Rourke on the anthrax-laden letters to Tom Brokaw and Sen. Tom Daschle -

"It's a great Christmas gift. I could have done a porn video but I didn't. This is comedy. People need something to help them relieve the stress. It's a good time for sexual and emotional healing."
- Heidi Fleiss on her new DVD "Sex Tips with Heidi Fleiss and Victoria Sellers''

TRIPLE BILL OF THE WEEK

THE ONE
DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE
FROM HELL

JOKE OF THE WEEK FROM HELL

A postal worker walks into a bar with an anthrax spore on his head. The bartender says "Where'd you get that?" and the anthrax spore says "The post office, they're all over the place." 

COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL

Democracy and Democrats

I miss the days of Monica Lewinsky
When Donna Rice was sitting on a lap
Now with President Butinsky
All I wanna do is nap

I can picture it so clearly
I can see it in a glance
All the days I miss so dearly
When the only missiles getting off
were in somebody's pants

     Democracy and Democrats
     Democracy and Democrats
     Democracy and Democrats are letting me down
     Democracy and Democrats
     Democracy and Democrats 
     Democracy and Democrats have both left town

Everybody had a boner
You could see it in a glance
In the days I miss so dearly
When the only missiles getting off
were in somebody's pants

     Democracy and Democrats
     Democracy and Democrats
     Democracy and Democrats are getting me down
     Democracy and Democrats
     Democracy and Democrats 
     Democracy and Democrats have both left town

WEBSITES FROM HELL

I've been scooped! See William Safire's interview with Richard Nixon in hell. 

A secret C.I.A. site in New York was destroyed on Sept. 11.

Did you know there's a history of alien enemies and sedition laws?

Kick Osama bin Laden a good one in this stupid game.

All kinds of resource numbers and it's really cool and you can watch the numbers change right in front of you.

Backyard terrorism, frontyard terrorism, all God's chillun gots terrorism. 

More from Ms. Fleiss. Yum!

World Trade Center Conspiracy. Which World Trade Center Conspiracy? THIS World Trade Center Conspiracy.

Bin Laden, I swear to god, was treated for kidney problems this year in Dubai where he met a CIA agent who was a patient at the same hospital. Don't believe me? Go here.

Our alliance with the Republic of Uzbekistan turns out to be fucked. Surprised? Not if you've been here.

Bush just threatened Nicaragua in a Full-Page Ad offering dire consequences if they don't do what he says. Which Bush and why?

The Hidden Agenda. Which hidden agenda? THIS hidden agenda.

Sen. Russ Feingold's "Why I Opposed the Anti-Terrorism Bill" and other ways to be popular.

With powers like these, can repression be far behind? The road less traveled.

A Need for Honest Answers from Moscow

Top Ten Conservative Idiots

Some men they arrested had Shaved Bodies and that arroused the suspicion of the F.B.I. Hmm, I wonder why?

and the number one site from hell

The complete HR3162 "The USA Patriot Act"

HOOKER FROM HELL