Hello, thank you for not hating me and welcome to
WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? 

December 3, 2001

George Harrison's ashes are headed to the banks of the Ganges in India, not the banks of the River Styx in hell, despite the fact that not one penny of his $300 million estate was left to Satan, who claims the White Album got him through some really hard times.
- Helen -

10. Iraq agreed to let U.N. inspectors back into the country to determine whether they are building weapons of mass destruction as long as America allows U.N. inspectors into Florida to recount the ballots.

9. Al Roker and Martha Stewart were caught going at it hot and heavy during a screening of Harry Potter. Their love child is destined to eat itself to death.

8. Philippine rebels agreed to release a dozen hostages as long as "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" isn't cancelled.

7. Late at night, the wax statue of Nicole Kidman at Madame Tussaud’s makes love to the wax statue of Mimi Rogers.

6. The ASPCA wants you to be prepared for the next terrorist attack by putting together a first aid kit for your dog, cat, bird, turtle or fish. Gramma can take care of herself.

5. Julia Roberts will be taking off her clothes for Steven Soderbergh's next movie, "Full Frontal," which is a sequel to "sex, lies and videotape." Doing make-up: Satan.

4. Mephisto loves the two-wheeled personal transportation device "Ginger," which works particularly well if you've got a tail. 

3. A basketful of puppies was found dead of anthrax this week.

2.  Will the U.S. invade Iraq? All depends if "Songs from the West Coast" really is Elton John's last album.

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. Now that Britney Spears is 20, she still won't have sex with you.

Personal to Yasser: Time's up.
Personal to mom: Get a grip.

ARITHMETIC FROM HELL

104 unknown detainees minus 93 named by Attorney General Ashcroft plus 538 held on immigration violations divided by every Palestinian provocateur in the mid-east equals every Israeli provocateur in the mid-east times 17,000 Internet cafes closed by Chinese authorities.

QUIZ FROM HELL

Congratulations, you got the correct answer in last week's quiz. And your prize is...

a) Two tickets to the Elian Gonzalez Museum in his old home in Miami
b) Two tickets to the George Bush Library to inspect the empty shelves
c) Two tickets for the new Taliban version of "The Producers," featuring "Springtime for bin Laden."
d) A kick in the groin

EASIEST REWRITE FROM HELL

President Bush Monday criticized the creation of human embryos through cloning as "morally wrong" and "bad public policy," saying the procedure should not be allowed.
- CNN -

Human embryos Monday criticized the creation of the Bush Presidency through fraud as "morally wrong" and "bad public policy," saying the procedure should not be allowed.
- CNN -

INTERESTING FACT ABOUT CITIZEN KANE
THAT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH HELL

In the scene where Kane and his entourage set off for the beach from Xanadu, large birds are seen flying across the background. In fact, the process shot footage was taken from RKO's "King Kong" to reduce costs, and the birds are, in fact, pterodactyls.

TOON FROM HELL

 

QUOTES FROM HELL

According to Taliban penal codes, the following are unclean: 

"Pork, pig, pig oil, anything made from human hair, satellite dishes, cinematography, any equipment that produces the joy of music, pool tables, chess, masks, alcohol, tapes, computers, VCR's, televisions, anything that propagates sex and is full of music, wine, lobster, nail polish, firecrackers, statues, sewing catalogs, pictures, Christmas cards."

"He's a Really Good Boy"
- Parents of the American Taliban who turned up in a fortress in Northern Afghanistan - 

"The best screeners were elderly widows. They had great powers of concentration and weren't worried about having a date or going out that night for a beer."
- Orlo Steele, a former FAA security chief, on baggage checkers -

"The west doesn't allow Hitlers."
- Paul McCartney

"You want relevance when it's appropriate"
- Les Moonves -

CONTRADICTION IN TERMS FROM HELL

"We need a new Warren Commission. We need the truth."
- Senator Joseph Lieberman -

NIGHTMARE FROM HELL

You just got your daddy's job and you're looking for a war, any war, because you want to go to war just like your daddy did. The Taliban look like a nice target, mean and nasty looking, committing atrocities galore, and pre-packaged with some nice hostages from the Red Cross who were only trying to spread God's word. You draw up the plans. You're ready to go. All you need is an excuse. You hear that something's planned for 9/11, a possible highjacking put together by people hidden by the Taliban. Perfect. Small potatoes. You ignore it, secretly hoping it happens because you want to go to war BAD. You purposely distance yourself from events, planning to be visiting an elementary school in a distant state when whatever happens happens. You're expecting maybe a couple hundred dead, nothing, a drop in the bucket in the annals of war, perfect justification for attacking a foreign country. You are shocked as hell when you find thousands dead in New York. What a fucking idiot! You remember that intelligence meeting where you were told that all they had was boxcutters, and you said, "Yeah, boxcutters, how much damage could they do?" It's a deal gone bad, where someone smarter than you played you like a chump, and you are PISSED because you had them in your grasp and you let them go, and you're running, running against the wind so you're not going anywhere, like the air is Jell-O, you keep fighting through it till you remember hey, no one ever has to know about it, you can just dispose of the freedom of information act and suddenly you're happy as a clam inside because, hey, you get to go to war, just like your daddy did but...

you wake up.

DUH!

"He just doesn't feel to me like the surrendering type."
- Donald Rumsfeld, secretary of defense, on Mullah Muhammad Omar -

"American soldiers may be just beginning one of their most important and difficult missions."
- Washington Post -

"You know, only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do."
- Chris Rock -

COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL

Prisoner of War

Life is so exciting when you're living in a cave
Sitting on a rock is the excitement that I crave
Suddenly my life is such an awful bloody bore
Now that I'm a prisoner of war

Yeah, I guess they feed us and the food is rather tasty
The sun is therapeutic. My complexion was so pasty
Why not dig a tunnel? Well, it's such an awful chore
Now that I'm a prisoner of war

Everything they tell you is so obviously phony
I know that bin Laden doesn't eat much macaroni
I get a tribunal that is rotten to the core
Now that I'm a prisoner of war

I am an American. I know of what I speak
Soon my lurid tale will be a movie of the week
I will get residuals until I'm 94
Now that I'm a prisoner of war

INTERNET SITES FROM HELL

Enter the mind of the enemy, go to MEMRI - Middle East Media Research Institute

And don't miss Hamas Headquarters - The Palestinian Information Center, where you can read the actual letters claiming responsibility for terrorist acts.

Attorneys around the country have turned down two-thirds of the 1,338 terrorism cases that the FBI has referred for prosecution over the past five years.

Remember the Palmer Raids? Of course you don't.

What happens when an innocent man is picked up in the terrorist sweeps? Something like this.

The devil was banned from a Florida town. Talk about a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Florida Judge Terry Lewis says he was prepared to count the overvotes regardless of what the Gore lawyers had requested.  It was Lewis whom the Supreme Court shut down with its decision in Bush vs. Gore. Which means all those recent headlines saying Bush would have won were wrong. Gore would have won. And they say the media is biased towards the liberal?

Need a job?

Is free speech shrinking on the net?

Are the US and Russia conspiring to destroy OPEC with The Caspian Pipeline Consortium Project?

Everybody knows that what Afghanistan needs more than anything else is Christianity. Read it in Heather Mercer's own words.

Let William Bennett teach your children.

The Samuel L. Jackson Soundboard is a tasty snack.

The call for a 5-day waiting period for box cutters, nail clippers, and tweezers.

Everybody needs a bit of Irrational Exuberance once in a while.

Oi vey Pee-Wee.

Oh hum, just another Afghani Female General criticizing western feminists.

There used to be some question about the true motives of people like Dick Armey and Tom DeLay. Did they really believe in free markets, or did they just want to take from the poor and give to the rich? Now we know.

Where were you on Buy Nothing Day? Did you buy something? Tsk tsk tsk.

Looking for that unique Christmas gift? Don't miss the Taliban Catalogue of Atrocities.

Okay, so what should be done about the librarian who broke the law by giving information to the government about terrorists using the library computers?

The new Zapruder film.

Surely you've heard of HAARP. Is it high tech mind control, earthquake maker, or just another tool in the high-tech hunt for terrorist lairs?

PORSCHE FROM HELL