Hello, and welcome to a special Christmas edition of
WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? 

December 17, 2001

Ho ho ho. Merry Christmas, happy Chanukah, joyous Kwanzaa, and miserable Ramadan. Talk about getting bombed over the holidays. But I want to tell you, after five long years of decking the halls of hell, it's a pleasure to deck the halls of earth with holly and daisy-cutters. Let the yuletide spirit of credit spread into your life wholeheartedly. You'll pay eventually.
- Helen -

10. Osama bin Laden's plan to kill himself on national television was pre-empted by a rerun of "Murder, She Wrote." 

9. OPEC is meeting later this month in Cairo to discuss the recent slump in oil prices. Will prices go up? Depends on if George Lucas lets Peter Jackson direct "Star Wars III."

8. Jim Carrey will be playing Howard Hughes in a new bio-pic and Howard Hughes is furious. "He's completely wrong," says Hughes from Sweeny Todd's barbershop in the 3rd level of hell. "I would have preferred Hillary Swank."

7. My goodness, wasn't it ballsy of the Los Angeles Film Critic's Association to give "Shrek" the award for best animated film of the year, ignoring Pixar whose recent tape "Osama" was shown round the world?

5. Students at Siena Heights University in Adrian, Michigan can major in "The Simpsons" and minor in "Spongebob Squarepants."

6. Whoever switched the 5 and the 6. Confused the hell out of me.

4. Thanks to Viagra, they're finally letting tourists back into the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

3. Why, oh why, did a Beatle have to die? How else could Will Smith find the power within himself to play the mighty Muhammad Ali? 

2. God rest ye merry gentlemen, but not on the sofa.

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1.  Time Magazine's Man-of-the-Year.

Personal to Winona: Ha!
Personal to GWB: Huh?

ARITHMETIC FROM HELL

The day "Shallow Hal" broke $66.6 million plus 22 people dead in a Paraguayan jail riot times the Enron employee's pension fund equals $400 million in pork shoehorned into the latest anti-terrorism bill times the rise in gun sales since 9/11 minus everyone who understands the ending of "Vanilla Sky."

BUMPER STICKER FROM HELL

QUIZ FROM HELL

Which was more effective?

a) Yassar Arafat's call for an end to all armed attacks against Israel or settlers and soldiers in the West Bank and Gaza Strip.

b) George W. Bush's call for an end to all armed attacks against Israel or settlers and soldiers in the West Bank and Gaza Strip.

c) Homer Simpson's call for an end to all armed attacks against Israel or settlers and soldiers in the West Bank and Gaza Strip.

d) None of the above

HEADLINE FROM HELL

"The FBI is Investigating the CIA"
- Slate Magazine -

GRAPHIC FROM HELL

QUOTES FROM HELL

"Certainty is the enemy of decency and humanity in people who are sure they are right, like Osama Bin Laden and John Ashcroft."
- Anthony Lewis -

"Know how to contradict. An affected doubt is the subtlest picklock that curiosity can use to find out what it wants to know."
- Baltasar Gracian -

"A single intelligent remark can destroy a man's entire career."
- Ezra Pound -

"Champaign for my real friends. Real pain for my sham friends."
- Tom Waits -

"If this man will place his faith and trust the crucified, buried, risen Savior, Jesus Christ, God can forgive him, bin Laden, anyone, as he did the apostle Paul on the road to Damascus."
- Reverend Jerry Falwell -

"Do not adjust your mind, it is reality that is malfunctioning."
- Robert Anton Wilson -

"The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity." 
- Voltaire -

"There are only two kinds of artists: the plagiarists and the revolutionaries."
- Paul Gauguin -

"I don't care. Dead or alive, either way. I mean, it doesn't matter to me."
- George W. Bush -

DUH!

"Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa."
- Bart Simpson -

CHORUS LINE FROM HELL

RUMBA FROM HELL

The Anti-Taliban in Tora Bora

No one really has to be afraid-a
A terrorist Afghani from al-Qaeda
As long as we cannot get any more-a
The anti-Taliban from Tora Bora

Everybody really likes to hate a
Terrorist Afghani from al-Qaeda
But nobody is going to ignore a
Anti-Taliban from Tora Bora

No one really cares about the fate-a
a terrorist Afghani from al-Qaeda
But never have I seen a bigger shnora
On the anti-Taliban in Tora Bora

Instead of VHS he bought a beta
The terrorist Afghani from al-Qaeda
but nobody knows how to dance the hora
In the anti-Taliban from Tora Bora

Even Courtney Love will never date-a
terrorist Afghani from al-Qaeda
But everybody voted for Al Gore-a
In the anti-Taliban from Tora Bora

The U.S.A. has never really paid-a
Terrorist Afghani from al-Qaeda
But nobody went Tora Tora Tora
in the anti-Taliban from Tora Bora

A twenty-dollar hooker never ate-a
Terrorist Afghani from al-Qaeda
But everybody's tushy's getting sore-a
in the anti-Taliban from Tora Bora

No one ever has to be afraid -a
the terrorist Afghani from al-Qaeda
Everybody's tired of the war - a
gainst the anti-Taliban from Tora Bora
Everybody's tired of the war - a
gainst the anti-Taliban from Tora Bora

SITES FROM HELL

The Dirty Dozen - 12 toys to avoid this Christmas.

What the hell happened to George Harrison's body?

The US vetoed a U.N. mid-east peace initiative. Hurray!

An interview with Aaron McGruder, creator of The Boondocks.

He knew.

I direct your attention to the Old Federal Courthouse in Lower Manhattan, a few blocks from the scene of the Sept. 11 crime, where dozens of terrorists have been brought to justice without the need for secret tribunals.

How can Bush and the Enron bosses sleep at night?

A cool picture of Yassar Arafat made up of hundreds of pictures of terrorist atrocities.

To the Palestinians it's the same fight for survival that the Native Americans once fought against the U.S. - and lost. 

You too can be a thug, pimp, or drug dealer. check out Gang-Wars!

URLwire - Alerts of Useful, Unique, and Educational Web Launches.

Celebulary. What do you call a Britney Spears concert? A lip-synching ship!

Once just a stupid joke, now a website.

Last minute Christmas shopping? Why not get that special someone a mechanical leech?

I keep telling you, George W. Bush is NOT a crackhead!

PUZZLE FROM HELL

Answer to last week's puzzle from hell: 
"What luck for rulers, that men do not think."
-Adolph Hitler -