Hello, Hello, welcome to a special, all-text version of "Who's Going to Hell This Week?" I'm going to let you in on a little secret you're not supposed to know till you get to the end of the column. I'm the number one person going to hell this week. Why? Because my monitor doesn't work and I've got to do my column on a different computer where I can't format or add graphics or use last week's column as a template like I usually do. 

I had all kinds of great graphics picked out: a photo of a naked Santa lying on a bearskin rug saying "Roll me over, honey, I'm lying on your present," and a picture of Jesus barely hanging on to a crucifix dangling from the rear-view window of a speeding car with the label "drunk driver from hell" that really loses a lot in translation. Then there was a hooker from hell, lots of headlines and links, a puzzle, the answer to last week's puzzle, all trapped in the hell of my real computer. Ever try to get info out of a computer without a monitor? Tell me about it. 

I don't even remember the regular opening, the part that's in Italics, something about my legendary access to something or other, either Satan or Santa. These days it's hard to tell the difference, even if you're not playing scrabble. 

So if you're a newspaper and you're expecting the usual opening, I hope you've got it on file, because I don't. I'm just winging it from the wilderness of someone else's computer. 

Imagine if you will, a picture of me right here, looking like I always do, only with a special little something, you could swear it was a scent straight from the paper, as though this were an expensive perfume ad in Vanity fair instead of standard newsprint. And you can't quite place it but you've smelled it before, something earthy with a trace of musk, sulfurous, like the paper might have been on fire, powerful and evocative of forbidden pleasures, seductive and elusive, a reminder of the infinite power of suggestion. You think you're in love. How could you have been such a fool? Man or woman, flesh fiend or night demon, you cannot control this passion, this cavernous yearning, you must sit back and do the bidding of the wonderful, the magnificent, the magnanimous Helen A. Handbasket, ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for her. 

Who's Going to Hell this Week? 

As ex-media liaison for the United Society of Evil Doers, I'd just like to point out that Bush shouldn't be blaming ALL evil doers for the actions of a few bad apples. 

At this point I should point out that the person in bold is the one who is going to hell, but since this is the famous "all text" version of "Who's Going to Hell This Week?", I have no access to formatting of any kind. So it is up to you, dear disciple, to figure out exactly who's the one on the downhill journey. 

I might also point out that I momentarily have no access to the news, so the following column might be slightly lacking in the usual timeliness. 

10. Everybody who bought a new calendar for 2002 instead of just saving their calendar from 1991 and using it again. (14 calendars is all you ever need) 

9. Whatever subterranean monstrosity zapped out my monitor right before I started this week's column. You think you're so smart. I'm going to find you, you devily demon, and when I do it's going to burn. 

8. The first person to complete the following parody: "How do you solve a problem like Osama? How do you hold an Arab in your hand?" 

7. Every single human on the planet earth who has ever had even the slightest contact with Digimon. 

6. The Atlantic Ocean. Dumb fucking ocean. It can go to hell. 

5. "Ally McBeal" fan Yassar Arafat was found masturbating in the Taliban's new uni-sex bathroom. 

4. "Harry Potter" is crap says Shirley Temple from the 27th level of hell. In a related story, "I'm still alive" says Shirley Temple from her home in Palo Alto California. 

3. Marcel Marceau was picked up by the mime police for jaywalking against the wind. 

2. Is there anyone on earth more despicable, more obnoxious, more worthy of a thousand burning puncture marks, than that guy in the Del Taco commercials? 

And the number one person going to hell this week? 

1. Me, for not doing a standard "Who Went to Hell this Year?" wrap-up. 

Personal to Santa: It wasn't my fault Personal to Satan: Those cookies weren't for you 

ARITHMETIC FROM HELL 

Everyone who ever smoked pot divided by everyone who ever smoked opium minus everyone who ever took acid times everyone who ever shot speed equals everyone who ever had a 9-5 job divided by everyone who ever cheated on their tax returns minus everyone with a relative in the armed services times one. 

DUH! 

After threatening to blow up an airplane with 10 ounces of explosives hidden in his shoes, Richard Reid was charged with interfering with the duties of a stewardess. 

CHILDREN'S SONG FROM HELL 

MOLECULES 

If you're looking for a proton 
It's the water that you float on 
The notebook that you wrote on 
And if you put your coat on 
You're sure to find a proton 
Before your very nose 

     Never go anywhere without your molecules 
     That's what I sincerely recommend 
     Never go anywhere without your molecules 
     A molecule can be your closest friend 

If you want an electron 
It's the dial you select on 
The street you intersect on 
The paper you correct on 
The mirror you reflect on 
and the frame in which it goes 

     Never go anywhere without your molecules 
     And celebrate the fact that they abound 
     Never go anywhere without your molecules 
     Life would be a mess without your molecules around 

So you're looking for a neutron 
If you got your bathing suit on 
Just ask Sir Isaac Newton 
Sleeping on a futon 
If he has got a neutron 
Hidden in his clothes 

     Never go anywhere without your molecules 
     Never go anywhere without your molecules 

REMINDER FROM HELL 

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a God and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.