WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
January 14, 2002
Getting any lately? News, that is. Boy,
there's plenty over here. If no news is good news and this week was bad,
it's all because that's the way Satan likes it, got it? Good.
- Helen -
10. President Bush choked on a pretzel
on the same day that unacceptable levels of water were found in the nation's
cyanide supply. Coincidence? I don't think so.
9. In a brave new marketing scheme,
Warner Brothers insists the new Bruce Willis film will be left in
a cave in Afghanistan for North Alliance soldiers to find and release on
Australian television.
8. Kudos to the meticulously shredded Enron
records. There are tests to see if shredded documents were signed in blood
but do you think they're being done? Nope. Write your congressman
today, unless you think it's just me taking advantage of every chance I
get to use the word "shred" in a sentence. What, you think people don't
own percentages of words? Get over it.
7. Why did Colombian President Andres Pastrana
issue
a second ultimatum this week to the country's largest rebel group? How
else could they get "Starlight Express" to finally close?
6. A "donut" virus attacks a Microsoft operating
system on the same day that Elizabeth Taylor's dog "Sprinkles" is
run over by a tractor. Coincidence? I don't think so.
5. Ralph bin Laden (no relation), a
retired architect, owns 75% of the Brooklyn Pretzelworks.
4. They found the single genetic mutation
that causes lactose intolerance but they can't find a G-spot with a divining
rod. Dumb scientists. More to come.
3. Which gameshow will triumph, ABC's
"The Chair" or Fox's "The Chamber?" Makes no difference to Beelzebub
who owns them both.
2. An Afghani walked into a bar with a penguin
on his head. The bartender said "Where did you get that?" and the
penguin said "Pakistan, they're all over the place."
And the number one person going to hell this
week?
1. Conan O'Brian got married, leaving hundreds
of heartbroken and lovesick young virgins in his wake.
Personal to Count Nostromo: Renounce your
title and admit to the Duchess that you're the one who switched the pills.
Personal to Duke Snider: What the hell do
you expect me to do about it? I'm not your nursemaid. Get a grip.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
The Xbox video game console price of 34,800 yen times
Playstation 2 plus 800 people treated at the hospitals nearest the World
Trade Center divided by 2,000 illegal immigrants working at Tyson Foods
equals 13,000 episodes of the "Today" show divided by every Redskins fan
who mourns the end of the Schottenheimer era .plus $350,000 per month the
ex-Mrs. Kirk Kerkorian contends is required to keep their 3-year-old little
girl, Kira, living in the style to which she is accustomed.
In response to the U.S. release of a photo
of a clean shaven bin Laden in a suit,
al Qaeda released the following picture.
Have you seen this man?
PROPOSAL FROM HELL
Sell insurance by the gallon
instead of by the year. Add an insurance tax to the price of gasoline and
drivers will never have to deal with the DMV or car insurance companies
again. Split the tax between the consumers and the providers. Everybody
who drives will be automatically insured and registered. Those who drive
the most will pay the most, and if you want to save money on your insurance,
all you have to do is drive less. There would be NO MORE uninsured drivers.
Period. Everyone who buys gas is automatically insured. No more monthly
payments of hundreds of dollars. All it takes to be completely insured
for the road is the price of a gallon of gas. No more arresting people
for driving without insurance. Police can focus on other things. Create
a single monopoly out of the DMV and all the major insurance companies
in which every single transaction is taken care of at the pump. Make the
tax 100% earmarked to the bureaucracy that deals with payment of claims,
which are all no-fault.
-Satan's Platform for President -
Eliminate the Middleman
Vote Satan in 2004
PALESTINIAN PROPAGANDA FROM HELL
"Jimmy Neutron - Goy Genius"
QUIZ FROM HELL
I would rather:
a) watch network news
b) shove a fork in my eye
QUOTES FROM HELL
"Companies come and go. It's part of the genius
of capitalism."
-Paul O'Neill, U.S. treasury secretary, on
the collapse of Enron.
"Buildings come and go. It's part of the genius
of architecture."
- Frank Lloyd Wright, gallery slave at the
2nd level of hell, on the collapse of Enron -
SOFTWARE FROM HELL
Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge
said Sunday that the United States is safer.
Terrorism is "all acts of aggression committed
by individuals, groups or states against human beings, including attacks
on their religion, life, intellect or property"
- Islamic scholars at a conference in Saudi
Arabia -
"The dogs were looking at him funny."
- Ari Fleischer .
LOVE
SONG FROM HELL
You Give In To Me
Do I love you because you're sentenced
to eternal damnation
Or are you sentenced to eternal damnation
because I love you?
Do you love me because I drive you crazy
Or are you crazy because you love me?
You give in to
gravity
I give
in to levity
You give in to
sanity
You give in to
me
Do I love you because of the trident in
your ass
Or is there a trident in your ass because
I love you?
Do you love me because you're insatiable
Or are you insatiable because you love
me?
You give in to
gravity
I give in to
levity
You give in to
sanity
You give in to
me
You give in to
me
You give in to
me
SITES FROM HELL
Find out who's damned forever
at the Celebrity Atheist List.
Somebody's
glutting the Clean Air Act behind your back.
A single line of dialogue from
Ridley Scott's "Black Hawk Down" inspired Peggy Noonan to write this.
Even conservatives are pissed
at Bush over Enron,
but it should be pointed out that Enron
also backed Clinton and the democrats.
Damn, there
went your last chance for doing a doobie with Prince Charles.
You think YOU'VE got problems?
Somebody
copied Jennifer Aniston's wedding ring.
What, you don't have a Chinese
name? Better go here
and get one.
File sharing has hit the craft
and needlework industry.
What would happen if J.K. Rowling
published her next book on-line?
Hell would break loose.
Thou shalt go to the Society
for the Practical Establishment and Perpetuation of the Ten Commandments
and leave them some erotic e-mail.
PUZZLE FROM HELL
