WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
January 21, 2002
What, another week has gone by? My, how
time flies when you're engrossed in self-flagellation. Good help is so
hard to find these days.
- Helen -
10. Despite a lucrative catering offer from
publishers of "Chicken Soup for the Terrorist Soul," U.S. prisoners
at Guantanamo Bay were fed bagels and cream cheese for brunch.
9. Enron employees were shredding
documents at the company's Houston offices for a tickertape parade, a former
executive said yesterday, who refused to divulge who the parade was for.
Hint: He's a presidential candidate.
8. O.J. says the "real killers" were
dining at Windows of the World on 9/11.
7. Yasser Arafat said Monday he is
willing to die a martyr to see the creation of a Palestinian state. Where
is he getting these good ideas? Everyone who wants to see Yasser Arafat
die a martyr to see the creation of a Palestinian state, raise your hand.
6. Why did the U.S. Army sterilize those missing
anthrax spores? What else explains K-Mart going bankrupt?
5. U2 released an album you can only
get at Target Stores on the same day Paula Poundstone went public
with the news she's not a child molester. Coincidence? I don't think so.
4. Martin Luther King, now reborn as a member
of 'N Sync, was not impressed by the way he was hailed by George
Bush in an event at the White House last week. "I sure didn't vote for
him," King said.
3. Peggy Lee is finally discovering
that's not all there is in her jungle tent with malaria on the 4th level
of hell. Nobody sings a song called "Fever" till they're 81 without getting
the attention of a certain prince of darkness.
2. "My Sweet Lord." is at the top of the charts
again. "I always liked that song," said Adolph Hitler playing pinochle
with George Harrison at the 7th level of hell. "I don't even care
that he stole that chord change," Hitler chuckled.
And the number one person going to hell this
week?
1. What did Patty Hearst say when she
met Monica Lewinsky? "I love your work."
Personal to Andre: You slimy bastard. From
now on, I drive.
Personal to George Clooney: What are you doing
tonight, sweety? Come over and help me wash off.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
45,000 Palestinian residents of the West Bank under
general curfew plus $4.5 billion pledged by international donors to rebuild
Afghanistan times everyone who can pronounce Mount Nyiragongo equals Amazon.com's
first-ever net profit of $5 million times $35.3 million made by "Black
Hawk Down" over Martin Luther King's three-day holiday weekend minus every
grain of integrity in the White House..
MEMORIAL PLAQUE FROM HELL
WHAT?
Rush Limbaugh can hear again.
PROPOSAL FROM HELL
We've Already Lost the War on
Terrorism
Let's Go Home
by Satan
He's killed more of us than we killed of him
and he's gotten away. He's won. Let's bring the boys home. They can do
better guarding the country over here. It's time to leave al Kaeda to the
operatives in the spy network, not the fighting soldier. We're just scaring
people. Not that that's a bad thing. But as an American, I feel it's their
duty to be over here scaring Americans.
QUIZ FROM HELL
Last week's quiz from hell was...
a) too hard
b) too soft
c) just right
CARTOON FROM HELL
QUOTES FROM HELL
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light
can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that....The
chain reaction of evil- hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars-
must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation."
- Martin Luther King -
"I was thinking after Timothy McVeigh, after
the Oklahoma City bomb, I was thinking: No, no Tim, the IRS building, in
the middle of the night, nobody there - that would have been the right
move."
- P.J. O'Rourke -
"Prosperity itself is on the ballot this November."
- Al Gore -
"There's too many religions. Somebody's going
to hell."
- Redd Foxx -
FILM FROM HELL
SCIENTIFIC
LOVE SONG FROM HELL
Genetic Fingerprints
I've got lots of energy
Though some of it's kinetic
I've got lots of love for you
And all of it's genetic
We were testing anthrax spores
The moon outside was full
That's the night my sweater
was no longer virgin wool
You are so meticulous
You never make an error
Together we can do it
We can rid the world of terror
I know you're
a devil
There's no one
to convince
Since I fell
in love with your genetic fingerprints
You're the one
I treasure
I'll never run
away
Since I saw your
patterns of repeating DNA
Hey, is that a genome
that I spy upon your lips?
These feelings are as frequent
as an annular eclipse
You gave to me your secret code
that opens every lock
You wound up the mainspring
in my biological clock
Soon there'll be a little one
You should not be surprised
Unlike army anthrax
I was never sterilized
I will show my
love to you
with words I
cannot mince
Since I fell
in love with your genetic fingerprints
My love for you
is virulent
It will not go
away
Since I saw your
patterns of repeating DNA
Since I saw your
patterns of repeating DNA
SITES FROM HELL
The Bush administration won't
release information concerning Reagan/Bush scandals, but Clinton
scandals? Hey, no problem.
Need to know something about
another country? Why not look them up in the CIA
World Fact Book.
HOW I SPENT MY WEEKEND
PUZZLE FROM HELL
