WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
February 4, 2002
With the death of Wall Street Journal writer
Daniel Pearl, the Bush plan to scare journalists away from Pakistan worked
out beautifully. Now if he can only keep them away from the White House.
- Helen -
10. Why is bin Laden still beyond the
grasp of our military? How else could the Patriots win the Superbowl?
9. The Artist Formerly Known as Punxsutawney
Phil came out of his mansion and saw the shadow of his former self
which scared him back inside, therefore predicting two more weeks of publicity.
8. "I've shredded every piece of evidence
except for the ones the White House is protecting by refusing to hand them
over to Congress," declared Satan's "Minion of the Week" Kenneth Lay
during one of his nightly ventures to the land of heat. "As long as Bush
holds the fort, I don't see why I have to testify," he giggled.
7. Russia backed India in the
Superbowl of Terror this week, demanding that Pakistan had a cross-border
fowl in the fourth quarter.
6. "As long as we don't know where bin Laden
is, we've got a perfect excuse to invade absolutely anywhere," shouted
Colin
Powell during one of his nightly hallucinogenic episodes. "All we have
to do is say we thought bin Laden was there. Iran! Iraq! The Philippines!
They're mine, all mine!" he quipped.
5. Thousands of Turkish Villagers were left
homeless by a powerful earthquake. They spent the freezing night sleeping
in the open, wondering why they had to endure such torment just to get
Janet
Reno to release her medical records.
4. More than a year after conceding the presidential
election, President Al Gore ended his self-imposed political silence
Saturday by finally declaring "I'm the president. It's time I reclaim what's
rightfully mine. I was swindled and so was the American public. I give
the Bush administration 48 hours to vacate the White House."
3. White Comedian Phil Latelic is suing
the producers of Comedy Central's "Heroes of Black Comedy" claiming it
was "racial discrimination" when they wouldn't give him a spot on the show.
2. Alexandre Dumas doesn't give a damn
about the success of the latest cinematic version of "The Count of Monte
Cristo" as he suffers under the eternal lash in the 12th level of hell
reserved for authors whose books are read less than the films based upon
them are seen.
And the number one person going to hell this
week?
1. Meg Ryan's stalker who is helping
push 11 billion in bio-terrorism dollars through Congress. Way to go, dude!
Personal to Charlie Sheen: Yeah, right.
Personal to Salman Rushdie: Oh shut up.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
$2.12 trillion spending plan times September 11th
divided by 17 provisions in the U.S. energy policy that benefited Enron
minus British Airways third-quarter loss equals every phone call made on
a cell phone by a drug dealer in Vietnam last year times every illegal
posting of copyrighted material on the Internet.divided by every gallon
of oil in the Caribbean that our country covets minus the 18th tee at Pebble
Beach plus the love affair between Bill Gates and Bono.
.
ART FROM HELL
American Gothic made out of jelly beans
GOOD IDEA FROM HELL
During his campaign for president,
George W. Bush recommended that Social Security funds be invested in Enron
stocks.
QUIZ FROM HELL
The Department of Health and Human
Services announced that it was broadening the definition of a "child" eligible
for coverage under the Children's Health Insurance Program...
a) so previously ineligible low-income
women could get prenatal care.
b) to send a message to the Republican
Party that they're committed to undermining abortion rights.
c) to cover up a Bush abortion.
d) to ensure healthy box office for
"Black Hawk Down."
NO SHIT, SHERLOCK
A lawyer for Kenneth Lay sent a letter
to members of Congress saying that what he called "inflammatory statements"
by several leading congressmen suggested the hearings would have a "prosecutorial
tone."
CHILD SUPPORT FROM HELL
Lisa Kerkorian is asking Kirk Kerkorian
for $320,000 per month to support one girl, including $102,000 a month
for food, $144,000 a month for travel and $436 a month for the care of
her pet bunny.
JOKES FROM HELL
How many demons writhing in the deepest
pit of eternal damnation does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. There are no lightbulbs in hell.
(also no baby corn)
Why did the wretched soul suffering
the eternal agony of perpetual damnation wear red suspenders?
Everything in hell is red.
What do Microsoft and the United States
of America have in common?
Both their passports let Satan in.
CONDOM FROM HELL
SPORTS COVERAGE FROM HELL
"The Today Show" spent twice as much
time covering the commercials shown during the Superbowl as the game itself.
BUMPERSTICKER FROM HELL
"Eat, Drink and Be Merry, For Tomorrow
You May Be Mormon."
- Seen at the Winter Olympics in Utah
-
DIET FROM HELL
Banging your head against a wall uses
150 calories an hour.
BIPARTISANSHIP FROM HELL
Not one Democrat has been placed in
any prominent position on either the war or homeland security.
THOUGHT FROM HELL
What is the Red Cross REALLY doing
with all that blood?
QUOTES FROM HELL
Apparently there was this weatherman who predicted
snow but none fell, so the female news anchor turned to him and said "So
Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Sholem Aleichem tells the story of a Jewish
soldier brought up on charges of not firing at the enemy. "But I never
saw the enemy," he says,"I just saw people."
- From Kenneth Turan's review of "No Man's
Land" -
"A pessimist is someone who thinks things can't
get any worse. An optimist is someone who thinks they can."
- From the Bosnian film "No Man's Land" -
"Things that are empty make a noise,
the full is always quiet.
The fool is like a half-filled pot,
the wise man is like a deep still pool."
- Buddha -
HOOKER FROM HELL
PUNK
SONG FROM HELL
Artificial Face
or
Mark Tatum's Lament
Artificial nose
Artificial chin
No one knows exactly where I actually
begin
Artificial eyes
Artificial cheeks
Like the kind you see in plastic surgical
boutiques.
Artificial nostrils
Artificial nose
Artificial sinuses from radiator hose
Artificial forehead
Artificial ears
A temporary membership in Disney's Mouseketeers
Artificial face
Artificial face
No one gives
a damn about my artificial face.
(Repeat louder)
Artificial mind
Artificial soul
Artificial music that's in espanol
Artificial me
Artificial you
Artificial answer from an artificial clue
Artificial leverage
Artificial love
Artificial everything I'm undeserving
of
Artificial angel
Artificial beast
Artificial contracts that can never be
released
Artificial face
Artificial face
No one gives
a damn about my artificial face.
(Repeat louder)
(and louder)
(and louder)
SITES FROM HELL
What, you didn't think
there would be a million goddam parodies of Bush's recent State of the
Union address posted to the net within minutes of the speech? Betty Bowers
has a good one here,
and don't miss this
superb flash version of Bush's State of the Union address the way it would
have been if he hadn't signed his soul away.
And as long as you're
into flash, here's
a cool animation of flight paths.
If you're like me, you're
still wondering why the second building hit fell first. Go to this incredibly
well-researched site to learn how the terrorists somehow suspended the
laws of physics.
Could the U.S. government
have faked The Taliban
Home Video? You bet.
Not only that but it's
possible there were no suicide pilots on those planes. Read all about robot
remote-controlled jet planes.
How can you tell when
the FBI is lying? Their
lips move.
Does CIA stand for Cocaine
Import Agency?
Surely you've already
read The
Tao of Pong.
And when you're tired
of Pong, you can read The rules to every
card game on earth.
Then smoke a joint and
go to the Big Cartoon Database for credits
and synopses of thousands of cartoons.
And it'll be time to
grab your sweety and go strolling through The
Museum of Questionable Devices.
Never eschew obfuscation,
just look it up in the Oxford.
Okay, now you've got
no excuse for having a fear of
physics.
Why are you listening
to whatever you're listening to when you could be listening to audio
samples of John Coltrane?
Who would complain that
the World Trade Centers didn't have enough star power in films? This asshole.
Everyone in hell really
enjoyed this
article by Yasser Arafat.
He's alive, I tell you,
he's alive, he's alive.
Looking for web pages
that no longer exist? Yes they do.
If the history of computers
and artificial intelligence in film doesn't sound interesting to you, why
on earth would you go here?
It has occurred to me
that some people's version of hell would include looking through an historic
collection of every single map of the
New York subway system in history.
Who's already been to
hell? Check out these celebrity mugshots.
Is Carrot Top really
more annoying than Osama bin Laden? You can vote yourself at Am
I Annoying?
Need a catscan? No, not
that kind of catscan. Hell is for those who've got nothing better to do
than scan their cat.
Wanna lose your appetite?
Check out these pictures of real food
eaten by real people.
They're in hell now but
it's still fun to see who left what to whom at this list of Wills
on the Web.
PUZZLE FROM HELL
