WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
February 18, 2002
Satan has decided the T should be silent
in the War on Terror. Let's all pitch in to help the War on Error by correcting
the 2000 presidential election. Satan accepts no campaign contributions
that aren't signed in blood, and he never shreds a thing. Vote Satan in
2004.
- Helen -
10. What, there isn't enough room in the Supreme
Court? Now crooked judges have got to take over Olympic figure skating?
Go figure.
9. Stevie Wonder's clone is called
BCC.
8. Will President Bush puke on Japanese Prime
Minister Junichiro Koizumi? Only if George Michael gets back his
stolen Aston Martin with the stains removed.
7. You asked for it. Now everybody
boarding an airline has to pass through the Feds.
6. A federal judge ruled that the Microsoft
Corporation had to supply the computer code for its Windows program on
the same day that new U.S Troops landed in the Philippines. Coincidence?
I don't think so.
5. Will Jamie Foxx replace Bill Murray
as Bosley in the sequel to Charlie’s Angels? "I hope not," said Adolph
Hitler from the 2nd level of hell. "The original would have been impossible
to watch without Murray," chortled the former-dictator.
4. "Axis of Evil, Shmaxis of Evil" said Saddam
Hussein, explaining that he had absolutely nothing to do with the recent
outbreak of lice on the "Harry Potter" set. Yeah, right. Then why did he
bring it up?
3. Benito Mussolini is wishing just about
now that he hadn't been reborn as Naomi Campbell.
2. Arkansas is now the first state
to demand that men give a sperm sample in order to get a driver's license.
And the number one person going to hell this
week?
1. On February 20th at 8:02 p.m., for one
minute only, it will be 2002-2002-2002 (or more accurately 20:02,20/02,2002),
and at that very second everybody who isn't reading the latest "Who's
Going to Hell This Week?" is going to hell.
Personal to that guy with the dogs: What are
you, nuts? Let them go.
Personal to Dwight Eisenhower: What are you,
nuts? Nobody blames you.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
$750,000 Enron gave to the Bush campaign divided
by $19,000 Enron gave to the Gore campaign times 200 unburied bodies found
near a Georgia crematorium minus every priest who ever had sex with a little
boy plus Joan Collins' 5th husband equals $4 million Paul McCartney will
get for playing 1 night at the MGM Grand minus 87 foreign detainees with
no terrorist connections being deported by the Justice Department plus
all the understaffed nursing homes in the U.S. divided by every time Britney
Spears has lost her virginity.
"Satan's spawn? Never heard
of him."
- Barbara Bush -
QUIZ FROM HELL
In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was
taken over by:
a) Monty Python's Flying Circus.
b) a rock star with a cucumber covered
in tin foil hidden in his underwear.
c) a tour bus full of 80-year-old
women.
d) Muslim male extremists between
the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in
Beirut was blown up by:
a) a pizza delivery boy.
b) crazed feminists complaining that
being able to throw a grenade beyond its own burst radius was an unfair
and sexist requirement in basic training.
c) CNN making up for a slow news day.
d) Muslim male extremists between
the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed
by:
a) Luca Brazzi, for not being given
a part in "Godfather 2."
b) Spongebob Squarepants.
c) Butch and Sundance who had a few
sticks of dynamite left over from the train thing.
d) Muslim male extremists between
the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya
and Tanzania were bombed by:
a) Jerry Bruckheimer.
b) Hillary Clinton to distract attention
from her husband's penis.
c) the WWF, to promote its next villain:
"Muhammad the Merciless.
d) Muslim male extremists between
the ages of 17 and 40.
On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked
and destroyed by:
a) a U.S. Senator with a metal hip.
b) the U.S. Supreme Court trying to
outdo their hijacking of the 2000 Presidential election.
c) the CNN/al Qaeda cartel.
d) Muslim male extremists between
the ages of 17 and 40.
Racial profiling is:
a) wrong
b) very wrong
c) oh so very wrong
b) probably makes sense unless you're:
1) the United States Government.
2) a major corporation.
3) the Axis of Evil.
4) a Muslim male between
the ages of 17 and 40.
JOB PROMOTION FROM HELL
Abu Zubaydah is the new
operations chief of Al Qaeda
Send him a card
INSTRUCTIONS FROM HELL
"Unwrap and insert one suppository
per rectum."
- Seen on a hemorrhoid medicine -
FAIRY TALE FROM HELL
Hansel and Gretel
Hansel and Gretel were lost in the
woods when they came upon a house made of candy and cake. An old witch
invited them in and then captured both of them intending to eat them. Gretel
had a chance save both of them by pushing the old woman in an oven but
she decided that it would be wrong not to respect the witch's cultural
traditions. So Gretel and her brother allowed themselves to be cooked and
eaten. The witch was so happy with the children's actions that she invited
all of her witch friends to the area. Soon thereafter, they ate every child
in a hundred mile radius. Soon the whole area was filled with nothing but
child eating witches and all the witches were very happy!
The Moral of the Story: You must respect
the culture of others, even at your own expense!
For more Politically Correct Fairy
Tales, go here.
WHY IS THE SECURITY SO TIGHT AT THIS YEAR'S
HAJJ TO MECCA?
Just a jpg forwarded around
the Internet a couple of months ago
QUOTES FROM HELL
"The biggest difference between the Russians
and Americans was that Russians recognized that 'the Party Line' was propaganda
from the ruling elite, and Americans who receive 'the Mainstream Press'
fail to recognize it as propaganda from the ruling elite and mistake it
for reality."
- Johan Galtung -
"Nothing in the world can take the place of
persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful
men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.
Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence
and determination alone are omnipotent."
- Calvin Coolidge -
"If women had poles, they could stay in great
shape."
- Darryl Hannah on the art of stripping -
"The right wing benefited so much from September
11 that, if I were still a conspiratorialist, I would believe they'd done
it."
- Norman Mailer - (Hmmm, maybe
he read Afghanistan,
the Taliban, and the Bush Oil Team)
"But the point was that we understood that
there had to be censorship of our material that we sent out. When we wrote
it or it was photographed or filmed for news reels in those days, that
material went into the censors at that Army headquarters and the unit headquarters,
then up on up to the Army and beyond. And they held that material if they
felt that it was in any way endangering the troops. If we were talking
about losses, they didn't want your enemy to know the losses when you are
still on the frontline. We understood it had to be secret, but you wrote
it. You wrote it that day so history, our history was preserved. They held
it to the censors until they could release it. And that might be a week
later, might be a month later, might be six months later, might be years
later. But the material was there to show the history of our troops in
action that we could see at some point to balance what we might have been
able to hear through the censorship. And it was terribly important and
we don't have that history anymore."
- Walter Cronkite on reporting WWII on Larry
King -
"The real voyage of discovery consists not
in seeking new lands but seeing with new eyes."
- Marcel Proust -
LESBIAN FROM HELL
ACCOUNTANT'S
COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL
If I Had a Hundred Million
If I had a hundred million
I would hide it all from you
You would never see a penny
I'd be living in Peru
If I had accounting problems
I would blame them all on you
You won't find a thing against me
In the files you look through
It don't take
no rocket science
You can't read
it in a book
You can't have
crisis of conscience
When you're born
to be a crook
If I had a load of horseshit
I would drop it all on you
Hide behind the 5th amendment
Is precisely what I'd do
If I had a second mortgage
I would charge it all to you
The economy's depending
On the people that I screw
It don't take
no rocket science
You can't read
it in a book
You can't have
crisis of conscience
When you're born
to be a crook
SITES FROM HELL
You too can help support
terrorism by buying oil products. Check out this very funny ad.
Tom Tomorrow explains
the Enron collapse in five
easy panels.
Normal air safety and
air defense measures were not employed on September 11th. This
site argues that this stand-down of the air protection systems could not
have occurred without the involvement of top officials.
Did you know Enron would
have gotten a $254 million tax rebate under the Republican "economic stimulus"
package? Enron's tax practices are so common that the Center for Public
Integrity estimates that they cost the country $195 billion a year, which
means that the rest of us have to make up that missing tax money. That
comes to $1,600 per taxpayer. Wanna get depressed. Read this.
Why does the Republican
Party want this site to cease
and desist? Check it out.
How come nobody's mentioned
that John M Poindexter, one of the brains behind Iran/Contra, has been
appointed to head a new agency "to counter attacks on the US." It's called
the Information Awareness Office, and it will supply federal officials
with instant analysis on what is being written on email and said on phones
all over the US. Can you say domestic
espionage?
What's the difference
between Anne Coulter
and Adolph Hitler? Beats me.
Okay, this
site is way too much fun. Type in any sentence, click on MALE or FEMALE,
and using the latest high-tech artificial voice technology, it will speak
it back to you as a wav file.
Speaking of fun with
sounds, go here for a seven-track mixing
board where you can load in dozens of different sounds and create your
own incredible music loops.
Listening to MP3s and
not sure whether he's singing "Scuse me while I kiss the sky" or "Scuse
me while I kiss this guy?" Go here
for a program that finds the actual lyrics of any song you're listening
to.
There's a big difference
between money and wealth. Learn about community
currency.
Wanna feel guilty about
owning a refrigerator? Check out The
Miniature Earth.
Could somebody you know
be a dickface? (Warning! This site
contains actual dick.)
How the hell did I find
out that they're
using Barry White music to get sharks to fuck? Because I go to peace
dividend, an excellent collection of strange news.
You know that map of
the U.S. election results that shows a big red zone in the middle that
voted for Bush? It's bullshit. Go here
for the real map.
If the Arctic ice cap
keeps melting, climate experts in the US military say the
Arctic will have open sea lanes within 13 years, which means U.S. security
to the north is fucked.
Who do you believe,
Slobodan
Milosevic or NATO? Hmmm, tough choice.
Why does the U.S. military
industrial complex need more money? It's simple.
Wanna be an activist?
Here's a collection of media
and political e-mail addresses you won't believe.
Australia's Guard
Dog Training Centre will take your dog, whatever it is, whatever its
temperament, and turn it into a vicious killer. Satan approves, especially
for Chihuahuas. He dreams of gangs of killer Chihuahuas but you didn't
hear it from me.
Now that they're putting
vitamins
in beer, isn't it time they put Viagra in whiskey?
Was your sweetie disappointed
with the simple chocolates you gave them for Valentines Day? That's because
some people got pieces of the moon, you cheapskate. Go here
for the quote from hell, "The moon has sold well in Europe."
What, you missed Satan's
birthday party? Shame on you.
Got a question? Ask
my penis. (Well, not MINE actually but, oh never mind...)
PUZZLE FROM HELL
