WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
March 18, 2002
While the Senate is in its final debate
on long-stalled on legislation concerning the size of the bribes they're
allowed to take, Satan is having no such problems. Just like the Academy
of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, all you have to do is sign over your
soul for a free La-Z-Boy recliner.
- Helen -
10. A group of masochistic poodles has issued
a "cease and desist" order against The Humane Society, momentarily
halting their efforts to stop the cruel treatment of animals on television.
"I hope they don't think they're speaking for all species when they oppose
cruelty," said spokespoodle Muhammad Thunderpants. "Some of us actually
like that sort of thing."
9. In keeping with the INS decision
to issue visas last week to two of the terrorist hijackers who crashed
planes into the World Trade Center, the Department of the Interior has
finally given permission for the building of the Hoover Dam, the FCC
has issued a broadcast license to Fox, the FDA has ordered Coca
Cola to remove cocaine from their product, and the DMV has finally
issued a driver's license to Princess Di.
8. "She should have eaten them," said Jeffery
Dahmer about Andrea Yates from the forth level of hell. "Then she
would have been found not guilty due to insanity," he continued. "And besides,
children are particularly good with yams."
7. Why are U.S. troops training in the
Republic of Georgia when there is no serious or immediate terrorist threat
emanating from the Pankisi Gorge? How else could Brenda Lee get
inducted into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame?
6. Israeli troops pulled out of Bethlehem.
Al
Gore shaved his beard. Coincidence? I don't think so.
5. Satan wasn't invited to Liza Minelli's
wedding which is why Burger King is now selling a veggie burger.
4. Chronic masturbators are up in arms concerning
the FBI bust of an Internet child-pornography ring. "Now we have to make
do with the real thing," said spokesjerk Oliver Clothesoff, "and
you know how hard real children are to come by."
3. REM guitarist Peter Buck might have
seemed like a real jerk when he ransacked an airplane cabin and scared
the air stewardesses to death, but at least he stopped Tipper Gore from
running for the Senate.
2. Joan Rivers thinks the U.S. should
have sent anybody but US envoy Anthony Zinni to the mid-east. "Puh-leese,
he's a fashion nightmare," she quipped before heading off to ruin the Oscars
for everybody.
And the number one person going to hell this
week?
1. Why hasn't the Pope responded to
the recent sex-abuse scandals involving U.S. Catholic priests? He's waiting
for "Resident Evil" to break $100 million.
Personal to Tom Ridge: Oooh, I feel so secure.
Personal to Gen Tommy Franks: Is that an
anaconda in your pocket?
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
1,700 British troops deployed in Afghanistan plus
everyone nominated for an Oscar divided by everyone who actually gets an
Oscar times every wrinkle on Joan Rivers face equals everyone in Zimbabwe
who actually voted for President Mugabe plus Dick Cheney in 12 countries
divided by 10 days minus 3 life terms plus 90 additional years in prison
facing John Walker Lindh.
CARTOON FROM HELL
TYPO FROM HELL
"Another Palestinian blew himself next
to a bus."
- Slate Magazine - Today's Papers
3/18 -
HUH?
"MPs Reject Hunting Ban Fudge"
- Guardian headline -
EDUCATION FROM HELL
When Ted Turner started CNN Student News,
he promised it would be commercial free. Now, AOL Time Warner has decided
to add commercial "sponsorships" to the program. Commercials are
expected to debut this month, according to company sources.
At that time, schools and teachers
that show CNN Student News will be forcing captive audiences of students
to watch commercial advertising during class time. The program is shown
during class time in about 18,000 schools.
QUOTES FROM HELL
"The most important thing is for us to find
Osama bin Laden. It is our Number one Priority and we will not rest until
we find him!"
- George Bush on September 13, 2001 -
"I don't know where he is. I have no idea and
I really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority."
- George Bush on March 13, 2002 (6
months and 600 Billion Dollars later) -
"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves
made President should on no account be allowed to do the job."
- Douglas Adams -
"If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every
time."
- Anonymous -
ALLY FROM HELL
Saudi
Arabia's religious police stopped schoolgirls from leaving a blazing
building because they were not wearing correct Islamic dress. One witness
said he saw three policemen "beating young girls to prevent them from leaving
the school because they were not wearing the abaya."
BUMPER STICKER FROM HELL
COUNTRY
SONG FROM HELL
It's an Honor Just to be
Nominated
I'm not upset. I'm not frustrated
It's an honor just to be nominated
Forget all the rivals I've dominated
It's an honor just to be nominated
Kissing my ass isn't overrated
It's an honor just to be nominated
If I lose I'll have to be strongly sedated
It's an honor just to be nominated
SITES FROM HELL
Unquestionably the best
pictures of Uranus
I've ever seen.
How do you get your book
on the best seller lists? Just buy 16,000 copies of your own book online
and then return them like this
putz did.
Why the hell is Clinton
praising Bush's
performance?
It's official. Bin
Laden Won the Afghan War.
Did you know that "Bill
and Ted's Bogus Adventure" was originally called "Bill and Ted Go To Hell?"
Find out more at this list of original working
titles of films.
Find out about The
Pioneers, the most successful contributors to Bush's campaign.
Let's say you make your
living going through celebrity's garbage and a producer offers to make
a film about you but doesn't. You would sue him, right? And you'd
win.
PUZZLE FROM HELL
