WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
March 25, 2002
Gas prices are up 14 cents per gallon in
two weeks, which is good news for you know who and bad news for everyone
else. Meanwhile, security screeners at airports are doing a great job,
detecting everything people are bringing to airports except explosives,
knives, and guns. Just the way Satan likes it.
- Helen -
10. If Marjorie Knoller and Robert
Noel wanted a dog that wasn't a vicious killer, they shouldn't have
bought a Presa Canario that was the reincarnation of Lucille Ball.
9. Getting a posthumous Oscar is one way to
move up a level in hell, which is why "Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of
the Ring" didn't win best picture. J.R. Tolkien hates the film and
was pissed off his lyrics weren't used in the song nominated from the film.
8. China launched another Shenzhou
space capsule with a dummy astronaut on board just to stop Steven Spielberg
from cutting out the scene in the re-release of "E.T. The Extraterrestrial"
where you can see his testicles.
7. Why are Israeli military planners
preparing for a major assault on Palestinian cities? How else could they
get radio personality Sid Rosenberg to admit he stole satellite
TV?
6. Satan's angry that two huge tankers
full of oil that collided in the Gulf of Oman were safely separated without
injury or oil spill, which is why Tom Green became the first actor
in the history of The Razzies to show up in person to collect his awards
for worst actor and worst director of the year.
5. "I thought Halle Berry's acceptance
speech was embarrassing," declared Stepin Fetchit from the 12th level of
Hell. "I don't get no cable TV just to watch someone have a nervous breakdown
on my behalf."
4. Will Israel let Yasser Arafat attend
the Arab summit meeting in Beirut? Watch national interest rates, the price
of milk, and the ratings of "The Agency."
3. Saudi Arabia's Commission for the Promotion
of Virtue and Prevention of Vice applauded Whoopi Goldberg's handling
of the Oscar, particularly when she covered the naughty parts.
2. North and South Korea are resuming dialogue.
Unfortunately, so are Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.
And the number one person going to hell this
week?
1. Indian Prime Minister Atal Behari Vajpayee
has promised not to use nukes against Pakistan as long as snowmobiles are
allowed in Yosemite.
Personal to the Desert Post Weekly: How was
I supposed to know?
Personal to Nicholas Snow: I hope they're
paying you more than they paid me.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
11,000 documents released by U.S. Department of Energy
relating to the creation of the Bush administration's energy policy divided
by 1,800 killed in an earthquake in Afghanistan plus $33 million made by
"Blade II" in 1 weekend times 32 homes burnt down in Arizona minus all
U.S. counter-narcotics aid to Colombia equals 103 U.S. nuclear power reactors
in danger of terrorist attacks minus AOL Time Warner's first-quarter write-down
of $54 billion .times 20 dolphins washed ashore in California plus every
restaurant in Tel Aviv with dynamite Palestinian cooking divided by every
instance of oral sex in the current White House.
CARTOON FROM HELL
NATIONAL ID CARD FROM
HELL
More IDs at Chicken
Hawks
COUNTRY
SONG FROM HELL
Don't Take Away My Porn
Gimme gifs of teenagers with very little
clothes
Gimme shots to download and you'll lead
me by the nose
I've seen people doing things that I cannot
believe
Getting in positions quite indecent to
conceive
Sodomites and fairy sprites exposing genitalia
Nipple clamps and leather make some fine
paraphernalia
If you've got some classics, well then
go ahead and send some
Gimme guys and gals exposing oversized
pudendum
Porn ain't for kiddies,
yes that much is true
If you're not a kiddy,
who cares what you do
Acres of bodies without
any clothes
With celebrity faces
they superimpose
You can berate me
and heap me with scorn
but I'm begging you
Congress
Don't take away my
porn
Gimme Mrs. Anderson relaxing on a boat
Gimme anybody putting something down their
throat
Gimme porno stars in films they shoot
in a motel
Validate my ticket for a one-way trip
to hell
Gimme barnyard animals dubbed in by Doris
Day
Make 'em young and gorgeous and you can't
keep me away
No more legislation that is so totalitarian
Let me see my porno while I ogle the librarian
Porn ain't for kiddies,
yes that much is true
If you're not a kiddy,
who cares what you do
Acres of bodies without
any clothes
With celebrity faces
they superimpose
You can berate me
and heap me with scorn
but I'm begging you
Congress
Don't take away my
porn
I'm begging you Congress
Don't take away my
porn
BOOK COVER FROM HELL
SITES FROM HELL
The Emergency Health
Powers Act (AB 1763) is even worse than The Patriot Act, giving the government
unlimited powers to wreak havoc in everyone's lives, including the right
to seize any property, including real estate, food, medicine, fuel or clothing
that "an official" thinks necessary, and the ability to require any individual
to undergo specific medical treatment with refusal constituting a crime
that would result in quarantine. Read about it here
and find out what you can do to stop it.
Why on earth are we protecting
Saddam, especially when it's so obvious he has ties
to al-Qaeda?
Why is Iraq being sued
by people in Oklahoma
City?
The BBC has got the lowdown
on the Bush/bin Laden connection in this
excellent report for your Real Player. Real interviews with real players.
Real stuff the U.S. doesn't want you to know.
You too can waste $70
million dollars investigating a real estate deal and end up with absolutely
nothing. (CONTEST: What would you have done with $70 million?)
Did you know Osama bin
Laden and the Taliban received threats of possible American military
strikes against them two months before the terrorist assaults on New
York and Washington?
Somehow Fox and CNN have
failed to mention that under the influence of U.S. oil companies, the government
of George W. Bush initially blocked U.S.
secret service investigations on terrorism, while it bargained with
the Taliban over the delivery of Osama bin Laden in exchange for political
recognition and economic aid.
And the CIA has very
good reasons for not exposing Saudi suspects.
The media hasn't TOTALLY
ignored the truth. Read this transcript
of Paula Zahn's interview with Richard Butler, former U.N. Weapons Inspector.
The Loyal Opposition
supports the war against terrorism even as it opposes the Bush-Cheney Gang.
Why is the priesthood
the only profession exempt from Megan's Law? Why aren't pervert priests'
pictures and backgrounds available on the Internet and in schools, like
other degenerates?
Geniuses
in South Africa are questioning the existence of AIDS.
Britannica.com ain't
for free any more but the entire 1911
Encyclopedia Britannica is.
Check out this
device the size of a cigarette pack that projects a usable computer keyboard
onto any surface.
The BBC has a bunch of
Quicktime 360 degree panoramas
of Hollywood.
Got a beautiful punim?
Enter this contest
to become a Ford model.
Learn numbers
in over 4,000 languages.
Go here
for a gallery of pictures taken at precisely 20:02,20/02,2002.
Remember, soaking
your meat makes it larger.
PUZZLE FROM HELL
