WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

April 22, 2002

Will the Catholic Church go the way of Enron? The Pope and Ken Lay might not end up as cellmates on earth, but their room together has already been booked in the Hyatt Regency on the third level of hell.
- Helen -

5.  Saddam Hussein has offered $25,000 to all suicide bombers and to Lisa Bonet not to appear in the upcoming "Cosby Show Reunion." 

4. Rescue workers might not have been so set on saving that dog from that abandoned tanker had they known it was the reincarnation of Richard Nixon.

3. Nobody noticed that Alice in Chains frontman Layne Staley was dead for two weeks before he was found by Seattle police. MTV plans on turning those two weeks into a reality sitcom.

2. First there was "Se7en," now there's "Murder by Num8ers." Next, "5uck Me." 

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. Osama bin Laden got wider distribution of a single videotape left behind in an abandoned house in Kabul than Warner Brothers got by releasing "Death to Smoochy" in thousands of theaters.

BAD ADVICE FROM HELL

    Every time I read the statement that ex-President Bill Clinton bombed an aspirin factory, I know I'm hearing from someone with an agenda, because if that statement were true, then something like the following conversation took place...

    "Mr. President, we found an aspirin factory we want to bomb."

    "You're sure it's an aspirin factory?"

    "As sure as can be."

    "Yee haah, go right ahead. I'm a Tylenol man myself."

    Obviously nonsense. The real conversation clearly went something like this...

    "Mr. President, we found a chemical weapon factory we want to bomb."

    "You're sure it's a chemical weapon factory?"

    "As sure as can be."

    "Yee haah, go right ahead. I hate chemical weapons."

    When it turned out to be an aspirin factory, it obviously wasn't Clinton's fault but the fault of his advisors, who may or may not have had their own agendas. He was just following bad advice.

    In much the same way, if George W. Bush had foreknowledge of the events of 9/11, his defenders are saying that the following conversation must have taken place...

    "Mr. President, we've heard there's an al-Qaeda plot to destroy the World Trade Centers and the White House and the Pentagon on 9/11. Thousands of people will die, but we're thinking of just ignoring it and letting it happen because afterwards, your approval rating will skyrocket, you'll be able to go to war like your daddy did, and we'll be able to push through everything on our agenda, like the Star Wars defense system."

    "Are you sure it's on 9/11?"

    "As sure as can be."

    "Yee haah, let 'em go right ahead. I'll be out of town on that day,"

    Once again, obviously nonsense. The real conversation clearly went something like this... 

    "Mr. President, we've heard there's an al-Qaeda plot to hijack an airplane on 9/11. It probably won't succeed because all they have is boxcutters. We're thinking of just ignoring it because we'll most likely be able to rescue the hostages, and the plane will only be 1/4 full so not many lives will be at stake. It'll give us the perfect excuse to invade Afghanistan like we're planning to do anyway."

    "You're sure it's al-Qaeda?"

    "As sure as can be."

    "Yee haah, let 'em go right ahead. I hate Afghanistan."

    When it turned out to be a much bigger terrorist action, it obviously wasn't Bush's fault but the fault of his advisors, who may or may not have had their own agendas. He was just following bad advice.

    Which is the closest you'll ever get to hearing me defend George W. Bush.

PUNCHLINE (WITHOUT A JOKE) FROM HELL

Beretta transgressed, you must arrest.

BUMPERSTICKER FROM HELL

LAWSUIT FROM HELL

What if you were a farmer and some genetically altered seeds from your neighbor blew onto your land and started growing? Would you get sued by Monsanto for growing their seeds without their permission? Would they win the case and destroy you financially? Yep.

TRIBUTE TO GEORGE ORWELL FROM HELL

    George Orwell's "1984" is a strange tale of a man whose job is to rewrite history. Let's say there's a country we were at war with but now are our friends. It's his job to go through every single book and newspaper article ever written about that country and change it so that they were always our friends because, after all, the state is infallible.
    George W. Bush has hired such a man. He is rewriting history. The Washington Post has reported that the White House routinely alters official transcripts of Bush's remarks, so that in the history books, his call for "4,000 years" of community service has magically become "4,000 hours." 
    When Bush said that the United States and Japan have been allies for "a century and a half," he obviously meant to say "a half a century" because there was, after all, that little thing called World War II. Now, as far as the official record goes, he said "a half a century." They're taking down what he meant, not what he actually said. 
    When we're dead and gone and our grandchildren look up George W. Bush, they're going to think he was competent.
    So it's up to us, guys. It's up to us.

ALBUM FROM HELL

More Bizarre Record Covers

QUOTES FROM HELL

"Though all his life a fool associates with a wise man, he no more comprehends the Truth than a spoon tastes the flavor of the soup."
- Buddha -

"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent."
- Salvor Hardin -

"You should be tarred and feathered and run out of Hollywood."
- Louis B. Mayer to Billy Wilder after the first screening of "Sunset Blvd."

"The restored Director's Cut of Amadeus opens Friday at the Landmark Century, and is in revival around the country. The one brief scene of Constanze's breasts, in medium-long shot, has inspired the flywheels at the MPAA to re-rate the movie R from its original PG. Thus high school students are discouraged from seeing this movie. Our rating system is held hostage by sick crypto-moralists. Surely PG-13 would have been adequate to advise parents of this scene, while acknowledging that anyone over 13 in America who is alarmed by the simple sight of a woman's breasts is in need of counseling (I include our attorney general)."
- Roger Ebert -

"I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well."
— George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2001 -

"Oh Lucy, you gotta lotta 'splainin to do."
- Ricky Ricardo -

"War does not determine who is right but who is left."
- Chinese Proverb -

ESCAPE FROM HELL

I got away at Tora Bora.
I was tipped off.
Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!

QUIZ FROM HELL

Who should replace Whoopi Goldberg as the center square in "Hollywood Squares?"

a) Robin Williams
b) Rodney Dangerfield
c) Karl Rove
d) Bill Clinton

HISTORY LESSONS FROM HELL

September 6-7, 2001 -- 4,744 put options (a speculation that the stock will go down) are purchased on United Air Lines stock as opposed to only 396 call options (speculation that the stock will go up).

September 10, 2001 - 4,516 put options are purchased on American Airlines as compared to 748 call options.

    "The truth is that Palestine is no more real than Never-Never Land. The first time the name was used was in 70 A.D. when the Romans committed genocide against the Jews, smashed the Temple and declared the land of Israel would be no more. From then on, the Romans promised, it would be known as Palestine. 
    "The name was derived from the Philistines, a Goliathian people conquered by the Jews centuries earlier. It was a way for the Romans to add insult to injury. They also tried to change the name of Jerusalem to Aelia Capitolina, but that had even less staying power. 
    "Palestine has never existed -- before or since -- as an autonomous entity. It was ruled alternately by Rome, by Islamic and Christian crusaders, by the Ottoman Empire and, briefly, by the British after World War I. The British agreed to restore at least part of the land to the Jewish people as their homeland. There is no language known as Palestinian. There is no distinct Palestinia culture. There has never been a land known as Palestine governed by Palestinians. Palestinians are Arabs, indistinguishable from Jordanians (another recent invention), Syrians, Lebanese, Iraqis, etc"
- Joseph Farah -

HOOKER FROM HELL

More sexy furbies

BLUES SONG FROM HELL

I Ain't Pulling Out

I am an Israeli with my tank in someone's yard
Knocking down a building, well, it always gets me hard
Shooting Palestinians and bodies in a trough
These are just a few of all the things that get me off

     I ain't pulling out
     I ain't pulling out
     I ain't pulling out no more
     You gotta let me finish
     C'mon, you know the score
     I ain't pulling out no more

You can send observers from American Red Cross
We still gotta show that Mr. Arafat who's boss
We will leave the refugee camp fiery and divoty
They can't even hide inside the Church of the Nativity

     I ain't pulling out
     I ain't pulling out
     I ain't pulling out no more
     You gotta let me finish
     C'mon, you know the score
     I ain't pulling out no more

SITES FROM HELL

Mandatory reading: Russell Banks went to Israel and talked to leaders of the refuseniks, the members of the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) who have publicly declared their refusal to serve in the occupied territories. 

From Andrei Codrescu, a new issue of one of the best magazines on the net, the Exquisite Corpse.

Then forget the mid-east, Venezuela's the most interesting place on the planet right now. Here's an nice headline from Venezuela's Electronic News: "U.S. Central Intelligence (CIA) killers planned to assassinate President Hugo Chavez Frias but the plan was aborted after it became public knowledge and because U.S. President George W. Bush had been unaware of it." Even more at Uncommon Sense and BarryCrimins.com.

The ghosts of United Flight 93 have been reported. See pictures.

C'mon, you're paranoid enough. Why let others do your thinking when you can make your own conspiracy theory?

All we are saying is give war a chance.

If you believe that ex-vice chairman of Enron Clifford Baxtor committed suicide before testifying to Congress, I've got some real estate on Mars I'd like to sell you.

As an outspoken critic of US policy in the Middle East, Robert Fisk expected a hostile reception when he paid his first visit to the American Midwest since September 11 . He couldn't have been more mistaken.

Guess who are the world's biggest illegal smugglers of tobacco? That's right, the tobacco companies themselves.

Guess who colluded to artificially jack up the price of CDs? That's right, the record companies and the RIAA.

Newsday thinks it's surprising that Saddam Hussein, a tyrant we supposedly despise, has been willingly supplying 8 percent of America's oil imports. I guess they don't know that Hussein works for George Bush.

Remember, the U.S. never makes deals with terrorists unless we do.

We knew there'd be scandals but hoo boy this is a big list. Every slush fund, every indictment, every ethics violation, every broken promise, and a couple of disasters thrown in just for the heck of it.

Yeah, I know it's preposterous, but just imagine if the administration had foreknowledge of 9-11. Don't miss this compilation of articles and documents in support of a 9-11 investigation.

Unfortunately, the only person making serious accusations in public, Rep. Cynthia McKinney, is a little bit crazy.

Where did they learn how to manipulate public thinking? Somebody's read through this amazing collection of Nazi Propaganda by Joseph Goebbels.

Did you know they ate pickles in the year 2000 BC but there was no corned beef until 1100 AD? Check it out at the Food Timeline.

So it's about time to say Eat Me Bush.

Right after going through Woody's World of Penis Euphemisms.

A fantastic group of online MP3 playlists for your Internet radio.

What drugs were they on when they created this lovely piece of Japanese animation? (more)

Hold it right there. Don't go buying one of them new iMacs because they surf slow.

Are you a nobody? Perfect. You can make millions with your memoir.

Anyone got Mulder's e-mail address? Tell him about dozens of amazing Quicktime videos of UFOs.

Join the fight against Senator Holling's Anti-piracy bill. "We haven't received one e-mail in support of the Hollings bill," said Judiciary Committee spokeswoman Mimi Devlin. "It seems like there's a groundswell of support from regular users." 

Now that you've paid your taxes, check out this Guide to the Money in U.S. Elections.

And I certainly hope you applied for your slavery tax credit.

The Hamster has the best of the progressive web. Dozens of fantastic articles about everything.

Is it just a coincidence that whenever the heat starts to turn up on the Bush-Carlyle Administration regarding their foreknowledge or complicity in the events of 9-11, a new bin-Laden tape is released?

Our soldiers in Afghanistan can't wear sunglasses anymore because Afghanis think they can see through women's clothes. For real.

Warning: The Taliban's answer machine is out of order.

Change your e-mail sounds to Captain Picard, Bugs Bunny, Austin Powers, or others.

Does the water from Kandahari have erotic powers?

The world is full of ugly people. As if you didn't know.

Are you an actor? Prove it. Go to Colin's Movie Monologue Page, memorize something, get on a bus, and recite it to whoever sits next to you.

Our president will send you a personal greeting. Just go here.

PUZZLE FROM HELL

Shut up and do what I say!
Read The Avant Guardians