WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
April 29, 2002
Ten years ago the devil reigned supreme
at the L.A. riots. Nothing like an entire city going nuts to warm the fires
of any hellhole. Ah, those were the good old days, when the LAPD did Beelzebub's
work for him. Terrorist are nice but give me a riot any day.
- Helen -
5. Pederasts from around the
world gathered in Poughkeepsie to try to decide what to do about the problem
of priests in their midst, but they failed to come up with a coherent policy
to prevent pederasts from joining the Catholic Church. "It's really embarrassing,"
said Pederasty International spokesman Ben Dover. "These few pederasts
who join the priesthood are sullying the good work we do. We really wish
pederasts would take more traditional jobs like talk show host, politician,
or executive at AOL."
4. Congress is dividing the INS
into two agencies, one for operating systems and one for software.
3. Charles Manson was denied parole
but they still won't cancel "Friends."
2. Kinky truck driver Shannon Jones
kept his girlfriend Kittena Shaddix handcuffed in his truck for
a year but they still won't cancel "Friends."
And the number one person going to hell this
week?
1. "I never asked no stuntmen to kill my
wife," said accused murderer Robert Blake. "I always do my own stunts."
PORTRAIT FROM HELL
"If a man going down into
a river,
swollen and swiftly flowing,
is carried away by the current --
how can he help others across? "
- Buddha -
"He won the election and he is our
President."
- Al Gore on 4/22/02, referring to
the man who lost the election (other than that, a pretty good speech found
in its entirety here) -
I predict future happiness for Americans
if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people
under the pretense of taking care of them.
- Thomas Jefferson -
QUIZ FROM HELL
During the LA riots, you were...
a) Looting a bunch of Radio Shacks
b) Setting your own building on fire
to collect the insurance money.
c) Locking the door, drinking wine,
and watching it all on TV.
HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL
On April 9, 1241, Mongols collected
nine bags of ears after a battle with Henry, Duke of Poland, at Liegnitz.
A feigned retreat separated the 500 Teutonic Knights from their infantry,
and the Mongols slaughtered the entire infantry. Apparently you can fit
25,000 ears into nine bags.
HOOKER FROM HELL
Click for more Wgirls
RAP
SONG FROM HELL
I Like Being Senile
I like being senile
I don't have to think
I can barely get around
Please pass me a drink
I like being senile
I can say it twice
I can read from some old
book
When priests ask for advice
I'm the
pope
I'm the
pope
There's
no doubt about it
I'm the
Pope
I'm the
Pope
I am
on Dilaudid
I like wearing dresses
And what do you suppose?
When no one is looking
I wear crotchless pantyhose
I like being senile
I've got lots of class
Just don't catch me farting
When celebrating Mass
I'm the
pope
I'm the
pope
Let me
hear you shout it
I'm the
Pope
I'm the
Pope
I am
on Dilaudid
SITES FROM HELL
Mandatory reading: 1)
Has Robert Sherrill written the best argument against the
death penalty ever written? 2) America
Can Persuade Israel to Make a Just Peace - By Jimmy Carter.
Did you know there's
an "incest exception" to child abuse laws so that an adult who rapes a
child gets twenty years plus in prison unless that adult happens to be
related to the child, in which case the maximum sentence could be probation?
Let's change that.
Type in your age and
this
handy little suicide-inducer tells you all the things that famous people
accomplished by the time they were your age.
Here's an idea. Let's
give all the money we're planning on spending drilling for oil in Alaska
and give it to these guys.
The National Resources
Defense Council has this
complete account of the Bush Administration's assault on the environment.
Did you know America
used Islamists to arm the Bosnian Muslims? The
Srebrenica report reveals the Pentagon's role in a dirty war.
Hey, guess what? The
"secret ingredient" in Pizza
Hut's vegetarian pizza is beef tallow.
Go here for a free
MP3 from They Might Be Giants.
Uncle Miltie's dead
and gone but this
classic MP3 and this
video of Berle in drag live on.
And this week's award
for website designer with the most time on their hands goes to this
guy. Click on "nose." Ouch.
There are people in
Texas who aren't right wing oil men. No, really. If you don't believe me,
visit Holy Cow, the Home of The
Last Liberal in the Texas Panhandle.
Every once in a while,
a bunch of good old boys get together at the Pentagon and go through stacks
of pornography in order to decide what our boys in Afghanistan can read.
Check out this
list from Don Rumsfeld's porn police.
Tired of being called
the same old thing? Visit the Louis
Farrakhan African Name Generator.
Researchers scraped
one of Shakespeare's pipes and found residue of guess
what?
PUZZLE FROM HELL
