Poems by Larry Tilander

It Begins

Oh God, it happens now, the pain
It comes in waves, it strikes again
Go way, the hurt, please leave me be
My, ah, away, You're killing me

The cruel cycling waves go on
I scream for relief in the dawn
It seems like it will never cease
Then finally, finally, blessed peace




Ward Six-Echoes

R.U.O.K.
R.U.Oh.K.
R.U.O.Kay
R.U.Oak, Eh
R. Hugh Oaka
Are you O.K.

Can usee me
Canoes eeme
Can you, C me
Khan U Seemee
Can Hugh See me
Can Hugh seam me

Weaken Al Pu
Wee canal pew
We can, Al phew
We can help you
We can Hell phew
Oui Canne elle pue



Return

What happened to me?
Where is my baby?
My baby, oh no
It just can't be so
This place, oh my brain
I can't be insane
I think that you don't give a damn
Well, let me tell you who I am
Please let me call my family
They'll come and save me, wait and see



Thoughts

They say I'm nuts, I'm crazed, I'm mad, a baby killer too
I'm so confused, and so afraid, I don't know what to do
My mind is just a blank to me, no memory at all
I try to think, remember, but it's charging at a wall
When Jimmy got me pregnant I just had to run away
I found that summer cottage where I thought it safe to stay
I did ok on what I stole from cottages I found
I was so happy living there with no one else around
I guess when I got close to time I should have left that place
I just felt that I couldn't stand to go back in disgrace
I can clearly recall when I felt the labour come
Then nothing, I could feel myself just let go and be numb
I don't know who located me, or how I got to here
Or if, or why I'm what you say, my thoughts just won't come clear
Oh can you help me, make me right, please, will I ever leave
Or will I ever stay on here, just sit, and age, and grieve



And Thoughts

Things happen out beyond the wall, I see them on T.V.
Out there are houses, cars, and lakes, but not for those like me
My world is just this ward I share with others of my kind
They say we're here for our own good, and not to pay it mind
There's Mrs. Carrol over there, who says the Lord she's seen
And quiet Lucy down the hall who can't say where she's been
Poor Linda cries for love she craves, Beth paces in the hall
Old Mrs. King speaks of her stocks, and faces to the wall
Some people come to me sometimes, they call them mom and dad
She just sits quietly and cries, he tells me that I'm bad
He calls me things like filthy scum, and sometimes even worse
Then turns on mom and balls her out, she cries to hear him curse
He says that I'm no child of his, somebody else's spawn
I don't belong to him at all, he just roars on and on
You see that's what we poor souls are, who institutions haunt
Unwanted cast off crying shades, the pawns that you don't want



Problems

I screwed up bad under review
If you had been here you would too
I get so angry, blow my cool
My nurses think I am a fool
I try to be good, really do
But I keep landing in the stew
There are some moments when I doubt
That I ever will get out
I sit up nights to think and cry
My only wish now is to die
Nobody loves me, I'm no good
I really would die if I could



Escape

There is a sixth floor balcony
The door looks pretty weak to me
Just one quick rush and then I'm free
I think I'll try tonight and see
I'll wait 'til the nurse is busy
Then down toward the door I'll flee
I'm out, there is no balcony
The Earth is rising up at me
Right there, a real Maple tree
Out on the road a car I see
My blood is running, spurting free
As I go out I laugh with glee